All consuming

I always do this and I don't know how to stop it. I obsess and I fixate on someone I never even talk to, in fact I think I avoid talking to them as a way to keep from squelching the hyper emotions I feel because if I really knew any of these people I wouldn't be able to think they are so perfect. Yet I let them haunt me, I let them penetrate my very essence. I'm consumed by my yearning, suffocating and unescaping. How can I take a deep breath if the air I breath is occupied by them.

Chilling is the occupation they can take over me. I want to retreat but I don't know which corner to turn because I know they all lead down a dark alley. Where is the release button? How do I deflate this balloon? How do I get them out of my system?

I don't know why I like to torture myself so entirely. I thrive on the complete loss of myself to this overpowering submission of all emotional transgressions. I stew and pine for that which that will never be mine.

One of these days I will find the courage to say something, anything, even if it is only "how are you doing today?" To break the illusion is the only way I will ever see past the smoke and mirrors that I create in my mind. I will rid him from my system. But it would really be easier if he wasn't so smoldering.

Insecure

Why is insecurity a fact of life? Even if we think we are the most secure person there is, something happens that sheds light on every insecurity that lays dominate within our being. Is it the search for acceptance? But this search is fruitless unless you truly believe what you want to hear. Everyone is searching for the people around them to say the one thing they think will give them the ultimate validation. As if the outside world could ever give our life purpose. Life and the world exists within our own being. Only we can prevent forest fires. So why do we use our firefighting skills to put out the fires in our souls. To deaden our own self worth simply because we don't think it stands up to the person next to us. Maybe it is time to stand next to someone else or if you are truly enlightened, to realize that the person next to you is probably looking at you thinking the same thing.

No one has it together. We are all faking it, sometimes we fake it so well that we fool ourselves. Like the t-shirt I want to make says: "My only talent is in fooling myself." But something always happens that cause things to raise to the surf and all the sudden before you know it there is a beached whale on your proverbial shore. And no matter how many people try to push it back out sometimes the whale suffocates by the weight of your own insecurity.

So we know the poison but do we know the cure? Is insecurity bacterial or viral. I want to believe bacterial but I'm not sure. But maybe insecurity is a good thing because it keeps you striving to better yourself. To push beyond that which holds you down. Maybe insecurity is the fuel for our fire. Because it is important to know how to put out a fire but it is equally important to know how to increase the flame.

Change happens all at once...

Or at least the threat of change happens all at once. I really am an all or nothing kind of girl by choice and not by choice. This is just the way things seem to happen for me. Like right now, I have to go to the bathroom all at once. Lordy, must pee now. Will focus on this blog to get me through the pain...Ahh. I got to go, found someone to cover me. Nice work.

Sometimes I feel as though everything is always changing yet at the same time I feel as though nothing ever changes. I guess what they say is true: "the more things change, the more they stay the same." The cyclical part of life. Everything comes full circle. But we tend to see the change we want and ignore the change we don't want to acknowledge.

I'm lost and found. I'm drowning and breathing ease. I'm blind and I see. I speak volumes yet I say nothing at all. All or nothing, that is what I am. Two paradoxes always finding a balance with my equilibrium. So why do I feel like I am going to fall? And what will catch me? Will my vicious wit bounce we back into action? Or if I focus on one spot will my head stop spinning. You spin me right round baby right round.

Stop! Collaborate and listen. Get it together, kid. Stop doing cartwheels and maybe you will stop being dizzy or at least stop being ditzy. Come on, champ. Be all that you can be.

No more. Stop everything. Stop reciting crappy songs. Stop listening to any of the voices in your head. Stop second guessing everything you do. Stop holding your breath. Stop thinking you have something to prove to anybody other than yourself. And remember to always wear sunscreen.