Hormonal as Heck

Today I finally got the crying at the Hallmark commercial thing. I am so hormonal, every moment I'm on the verge of tears or laughter. Only the two extremes, never meeting in the middle. The fact that I am so in my head right now only propels the PMS factors. Thus, I am sensitive to everything and everyone. If someone says something that touches on anything I have issues with, I lose it. Of course, these are always the days that I choose to talk to people about my issues. And now I am drained from the roller coaster of emotions. Nothing left to give or take. Numb by shear exhaustion.

So, here is the thing: why does it only take someone to say one thing for you to look at a different person in a new way. Things that you use to like about the other person now annoying because you see different motives behind them. Revenge and spite ooze from your mind everytime you encounter them. They didn't do anything to change how you feel, merely someone else telling you something about them did that. But it doesn't matter who told you, you can't unchanged the change.

Our problems with human relationships is that we project. Our relationships with other people are like a connect the dots game. We take the little information that we have and we fill in the rest of their character. But then something happens, a new dot is added and suddenly their character is a totally different picture. That is what we do, we are like the computer that predicts the image. Predictions can sometimes be horribly wrong because the fundamental flaw in the connect the dot character builder is that people only let you see what they want to show you.

Now, this is a very negative way to look at human beings. If you totally believe this theory than it can be concluded that you can never truly know anyone. But maybe that is reality. Sometimes I hide some of my dots from myself. Everyday I learn something new about myself, things that I would never let anyone else know.

Maybe that isn't so bad, it could be better to not really know people. Why is there this assumption that life looses all meaning if we don't truly know who people are? Can't the projection be enough? Denial can be a beautiful thing; it can be harmonious.

In relationships with other people we are all on a need to know basis. It is what makes life interesting. People shock the hell out of us all the time. It's funny when say that someone did something "out of character" because that just means they did something outside the lines of the character we drew. It is their character because they did it. But imagine how boring life would be if everyone turned out to be exactly who you thought they were. Then the world would just be paint by numbers and we would have no abstract paintings. Who wants to live in that world, if you do then I totally pictured you differently.

What's the meaning of this?

I check craig's list for job postings, what I always do when I am frustrated with my job, hoping that the company monitors will see it and recognize it as a cry for help. But nobody ever watches when you want them too. The monitors are like that person you show a movie that you really love to only to have them barely pay attention, how can you not care enough to watch something I love.

On Craig's List main page I see the category under community titled Lost and Found. I stare at it, wondering if perhaps I am on there. I'm for sure lost, maybe someone has found me or list something that will be a catalyst in my finding what was lost. But maybe I'm not lost, can you be lost if you have never been found. I feel lost but I don't know what I'm lost from. I suppose it is the lose of meaning, somehow I believe I had it in my life before or maybe it was just the belief that my life would one day mean something.

I've come to the point in life where it is time to give up the foolish notions that I am going to do or achieve something great; that I am going to, in child speak, "make something of myself." The Nietzsche thought that haunts me being that some people are extraordinary and the rest of us are just normal, destine to live monotonous lives. My worst fear of my destiny becomes brutally clear, I'm destined to just "be."

This is it. This is all I get. This is the cards life has dealt me and I've already given my two cards up in exchange for two equally shitty cards. But in life folding isn't an option or at least not an option I would choice to take. So meaning remains stuck in a permanent limbo. With no face cards I must face the facts that my hand isn't extraordinary.

Being stuck, there is something I know all about. Unable to move. Unable to breathe. Trying to breathe it all in. Soak it up and ring it out. Breathe in, breathe out.

This is existence. It isn't exciting or poetic, it's just mundane and fruitless. So I'm over here dying of scurvy. Maybe if I just ate an apple a day. No. No. No. No more what ifs, it is time to accept. I might not get it, but time to let go the lofty expectations. Time to give up the delusion. Time to resign to my own destiny. I know return to my regularly schedule life, I join this life already in progress.