Forced contentment

What is it about this time of the year that causes everything in my life to change? March has become the months in which the treadmills starts turning too fast resulting in me falling off the back of it. March seems to just come in like a lion and out like a lion, no lamb seems to cross my path. The upheaval becomes too much for me to bear. All the change ironically seems to put me in a holding pattern. I can't change one thing because I have to wait for the other change to occur first.

So, I find myself stuck in this weird limbo in which contentment seems thrust upon me. For the time being I must resolve to find stillness in the revolving chaos. The thing about this time of the year is that I want change, I'm antsy for it; I just can't handle the responsibility that it usually entails. The double-edged sword of change.

I was talking to my roommate about decision-making. I told her that now days everything is so unsure. I don't think I've made a decision I was sure about since High School. Possibly it all started when I began applying to colleges. The first real decision in my life, up until then everything that mattered was decided for me. I don't mean that in a "controlling parents" kind of way but rather that first thing that changes the course of my life in a drastic way.

These days’ decisions are harped upon, everything seeming to be a life or death situation. When you are looking for a course to travel every turn of the wheel steers you in a direction, in some cases a different path or keeping you on track. It all has "implications” or so we tell ourselves. I'm tired of the constant and consistent agonizing.

The problem with having the world at your feet appears to be that no one knows what to do with it. Too many options leads to inaction from crippling doubt. I can go anywhere yet I'm given no direction, which seems so cruel to me. Sometimes we tend to stick to a direction regardless of whether it is the right direction simply because it was so hard to choose a direction in the first place. We don't know how to start from scratch; we're the Bisquick generation. I wish I could just add water and stir rather than stir up emotions from every minute detail of my life.

Sometimes I feel like I'm this model mission I built in the forth grade; soap detergent used to represent adobe creates a beautiful product with a foundation consisting of a shoebox. I'm stucco surrounding a hollow shoebox. It's amazing if you put up a few little plastic trees the propriety value doubles despite the empty vessel that's disguised.

Every decision impacts you, so they say. Shouldn't we choose our own influences? I like to think that any mistake can be corrected. At least, that is the philosophy I have to live by otherwise that forced contentment would be impossible to bare.

Bored out of my fucking mind!

I'm all alone today. No motivation to do anything. I'm taking tomorrow off because I feel like it. That's right. I'm going to do my taxes and get my eyebrows shaped. I guess it will be the same as coming in to work because either way I end up pulling out one hair at a time. But it will be nice to do it in the name of beauty rather than torture.

I've decided that the meaning of life is merely to find a cure for boredom. That is what motivates all of us everyday. But sometimes we fail miserably and are unable to entertain ourselves, this is when things become very dangerous. I think this is where corruption comes into play, most industries that have the most corruption are normally the most mind numbingly boring industries in the world. I think that people just can't handle the monotony of it all and cheat and steal to add some excitement to their lives.

I am too bored to even blog. My mind has nothing to say. Calgon, take me away.