Forced contentment
What is it about this time of the year that causes everything in my life to change? March has become the months in which the treadmills starts turning too fast resulting in me falling off the back of it. March seems to just come in like a lion and out like a lion, no lamb seems to cross my path. The upheaval becomes too much for me to bear. All the change ironically seems to put me in a holding pattern. I can't change one thing because I have to wait for the other change to occur first.
So, I find myself stuck in this weird limbo in which contentment seems thrust upon me. For the time being I must resolve to find stillness in the revolving chaos. The thing about this time of the year is that I want change, I'm antsy for it; I just can't handle the responsibility that it usually entails. The double-edged sword of change.
I was talking to my roommate about decision-making. I told her that now days everything is so unsure. I don't think I've made a decision I was sure about since High School. Possibly it all started when I began applying to colleges. The first real decision in my life, up until then everything that mattered was decided for me. I don't mean that in a "controlling parents" kind of way but rather that first thing that changes the course of my life in a drastic way.
These days’ decisions are harped upon, everything seeming to be a life or death situation. When you are looking for a course to travel every turn of the wheel steers you in a direction, in some cases a different path or keeping you on track. It all has "implications” or so we tell ourselves. I'm tired of the constant and consistent agonizing.
The problem with having the world at your feet appears to be that no one knows what to do with it. Too many options leads to inaction from crippling doubt. I can go anywhere yet I'm given no direction, which seems so cruel to me. Sometimes we tend to stick to a direction regardless of whether it is the right direction simply because it was so hard to choose a direction in the first place. We don't know how to start from scratch; we're the Bisquick generation. I wish I could just add water and stir rather than stir up emotions from every minute detail of my life.
Sometimes I feel like I'm this model mission I built in the forth grade; soap detergent used to represent adobe creates a beautiful product with a foundation consisting of a shoebox. I'm stucco surrounding a hollow shoebox. It's amazing if you put up a few little plastic trees the propriety value doubles despite the empty vessel that's disguised.
Every decision impacts you, so they say. Shouldn't we choose our own influences? I like to think that any mistake can be corrected. At least, that is the philosophy I have to live by otherwise that forced contentment would be impossible to bare.
So, I find myself stuck in this weird limbo in which contentment seems thrust upon me. For the time being I must resolve to find stillness in the revolving chaos. The thing about this time of the year is that I want change, I'm antsy for it; I just can't handle the responsibility that it usually entails. The double-edged sword of change.
I was talking to my roommate about decision-making. I told her that now days everything is so unsure. I don't think I've made a decision I was sure about since High School. Possibly it all started when I began applying to colleges. The first real decision in my life, up until then everything that mattered was decided for me. I don't mean that in a "controlling parents" kind of way but rather that first thing that changes the course of my life in a drastic way.
These days’ decisions are harped upon, everything seeming to be a life or death situation. When you are looking for a course to travel every turn of the wheel steers you in a direction, in some cases a different path or keeping you on track. It all has "implications” or so we tell ourselves. I'm tired of the constant and consistent agonizing.
The problem with having the world at your feet appears to be that no one knows what to do with it. Too many options leads to inaction from crippling doubt. I can go anywhere yet I'm given no direction, which seems so cruel to me. Sometimes we tend to stick to a direction regardless of whether it is the right direction simply because it was so hard to choose a direction in the first place. We don't know how to start from scratch; we're the Bisquick generation. I wish I could just add water and stir rather than stir up emotions from every minute detail of my life.
Sometimes I feel like I'm this model mission I built in the forth grade; soap detergent used to represent adobe creates a beautiful product with a foundation consisting of a shoebox. I'm stucco surrounding a hollow shoebox. It's amazing if you put up a few little plastic trees the propriety value doubles despite the empty vessel that's disguised.
Every decision impacts you, so they say. Shouldn't we choose our own influences? I like to think that any mistake can be corrected. At least, that is the philosophy I have to live by otherwise that forced contentment would be impossible to bare.
posted by Whit at 3:03 PM
1 Comments:
I think you need Saturn to hit Scorpio. That's when things buckle down. Honestly though, do you really want that? I think you look too much at what you could be doing, than what you are doing and knowing that it all leads somewhere, even though you can't see the exact results yet. I think about how, the things I write today I wouldn't have been able to write 5 years ago when I was sitting on my ass wondering what to write, because of life experience and all the people I've met, all the "fucking around and freaking out" I did in the last 5 years. So I figure, I guess we'll take it day to day and not get mad at myself for the mistakes I have yet to commit because I haven't been doing anything in the first place that would create mistakes.
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