I am not sad today.
At first, I thought I was my normal numb emotion today, but then I realized that I am actually at peace in this moment in time. Just like there is a thin line between love and hate there is an equally fine line between numbness and peacefulness. I'm so use to one that it takes me a little while to register the other. Don't get me wrong, I am still not gleefully happy in my current situation. Only, today I am dealing with it. Depression is merely a manifestation of when one doesn't possess the ability to cope with reality. For the time being I have a coping mechanism.
When you are drowning there is that moment where you just give in. You have been struggling to keep your head above water. Your arms are tired. The water begins to fill your lungs. And the pull of the current drags you under. Finally you begin to slowly sink. As it pulls you down you stop trying to swim for a moment. You glance around the ocean life around you. In that instant in time peace and stillness engulf you. Everything is so quiet. Everything becomes so clear. What was it that you were fighting? In life we're afraid of any kind of death. But certain deaths are necessary in order to be reborn.
The word we use for great change is: metamorphosis. In order to change there must be a death. Even in tarot cards the death card means rebirth. I am beginning to wonder why I have been trying so hard to keep from drowning. It hurts so much to paddle so hard only to be sucked under regardless. But I fear death so entirely that I can't truly live. Life consists of a series of changes. Without change I remain stagnate, thus stifle life. Growth equals change.
I think I make my life too hard because I try to resist the inevitability of change. I'm too stubborn, and too stubborn to realize that I am. I seem to want to save things that shouldn't be saved. When all along I should've just surrendered. It feels like most of my life consists of trying to prohibit or deny the natural course my life wants to take. I want to save things that can't be saved. Why?
Maybe I should learn to swim forward instead of in place. It's fine and dandy that I know how to tread water for 45 minutes, but what's the point when the shore resides five strokes away. I guess time and even distance truly are relative. When I am depressed I mistake the treading for movement, when in reality I am staying in place. Life exists where the ocean meets the shore. I hope that one day I will let myself wash up so I can see the waves crashing to the shore. A day when I can look out at the ocean rather than be stuck in the middle of it.
We spotted the ocean at the head of the trail
Where are we going, so far away
And somebody told me that this is the place
Where everything's better, everything's safe
-Toad the Wet Sprocket
When you are drowning there is that moment where you just give in. You have been struggling to keep your head above water. Your arms are tired. The water begins to fill your lungs. And the pull of the current drags you under. Finally you begin to slowly sink. As it pulls you down you stop trying to swim for a moment. You glance around the ocean life around you. In that instant in time peace and stillness engulf you. Everything is so quiet. Everything becomes so clear. What was it that you were fighting? In life we're afraid of any kind of death. But certain deaths are necessary in order to be reborn.
The word we use for great change is: metamorphosis. In order to change there must be a death. Even in tarot cards the death card means rebirth. I am beginning to wonder why I have been trying so hard to keep from drowning. It hurts so much to paddle so hard only to be sucked under regardless. But I fear death so entirely that I can't truly live. Life consists of a series of changes. Without change I remain stagnate, thus stifle life. Growth equals change.
I think I make my life too hard because I try to resist the inevitability of change. I'm too stubborn, and too stubborn to realize that I am. I seem to want to save things that shouldn't be saved. When all along I should've just surrendered. It feels like most of my life consists of trying to prohibit or deny the natural course my life wants to take. I want to save things that can't be saved. Why?
Maybe I should learn to swim forward instead of in place. It's fine and dandy that I know how to tread water for 45 minutes, but what's the point when the shore resides five strokes away. I guess time and even distance truly are relative. When I am depressed I mistake the treading for movement, when in reality I am staying in place. Life exists where the ocean meets the shore. I hope that one day I will let myself wash up so I can see the waves crashing to the shore. A day when I can look out at the ocean rather than be stuck in the middle of it.
We spotted the ocean at the head of the trail
Where are we going, so far away
And somebody told me that this is the place
Where everything's better, everything's safe
-Toad the Wet Sprocket
posted by Whit at 7:48 AM
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