A Crisis of Faith (Lessons I've Learned and Unlearned in 2004)

Is it the end or is it the beginning? I suppose that is one of those glass half empty/half full questions. It's been a rough year, but an important one that has taught me a lot about life and myself. After thinking about it, I've realized this year has been a crisis of faith. For all intents and purposes, this is my Judas year. I've betrayed what I believe by not holding true to it. It's amazing what doubt can do and what ramification it has. Insecurity riddles. Loss of hope destroys. And cynicism creates a vacuous void that can never be filled despite all best efforts to the contrary. I've lost so much, but hope to have the result yield an infinite amount gained. So in by losing we gain and in by gaining we lose. The whole always remains only the balance changes.

Maybe the greatest sacrifice seems to be my inability to pretend anymore. Life and the world is what it is; I can longer deny that. To me things have become Martin Luther to me. My mantra those words he uttered at the Diet of Worms: "Here I stand, I can do no more." The only major difference being that for him this was the end of the fight and for me I can't find the fight within me. But with the loss of the pretend comes the loss of wonder. Denied the awe of magic and the delight in the make believe.

This year represents the struggle in my life. When you are in the lion’s den you begin to realize whom you really are and what it is that you are battling. Is it true that no battle can go unfought? Is there such a thing as a rain delay in those situations? Why shouldn't you postpone the inevitable? Why do today what you can put off until tomorrow, right? Isn't that the definition of struggling: to live in the tomorrow that never comes. Struggling is the act of putting ones life on hold until a more convenient time comes along. Most struggles occur while trying to maintain the status quo and the resistance that is met in doing so.

A year of change breeds a plethora of insights. You can't change without learning and you can't learn without changing. Metamorphous seems all encompassing. Why does change happen all at once? Why when it rains does it pour? What's wrong with a nice light drizzle? Although, the drizzle constantly occurs without our recognition until it seems like it is down pour when really we were just save up the culmination of our change for a rainy day. Change is like the long walk that appears to be moving no where fast until you look at the road behind and realize you've gone farther than you thought or, more importantly, felt. With the "are we there yet" syndrome comes a focus on the end result with no concern for how far you've come/gone.

Well, it's the end of the year, a time to glance back at the road one has traveled to assess how far one has come. The progression or regression made in a single year can be astounding. Mesmerizing is the distance despite the length left to travel to reach the goal.

How can you resist change? I'm one who has always thought that any change was for the better. But this year has proven me wrong on so many fronts. The other day I began my vacation thus I was in a good mood. One of my roommate remarked, "We have the old Whitney back." Since those words finished fluttering out of her mouth, they have impacted my very essence; haunted me to the core. What have I become? Something I never wanted or intended to be. Worst of all, I let it happen. I did nothing to stop it. In fact, I embarrassed it, I relished in it. Sadly, I even took comfort in it. The thing is, I miss the old me as well, probably even more than anyone else does.

I loved who I use to be. I fixate on whether I can ever become what I was. Is there really no going back? If one door closes and another one opens, can you ever go back through the first door again? Is it possible to give yourself a second chance? A new beginning to find the old end. Can it be achieved to unchange? If you can accelerate, why can't you decelerate? I guess it doesn't matter if you slow down because you are still moving in the same direction. Maybe if you turn the car around and head home, but we all know: you can't go home again. Plus, if I turn around then I have to go down that road again, and I can't do that. So, what's the solution? How do I undo what's done without retracing my steps?

People always say that you don't know what you've got until it's gone. But that's not true. I don't know what I had until someone else points out that I don't have it anymore. You have to tell someone that: they've lost that lovin feeling. Only then will they be like: "You're right, I have lost that lovin feeling, how did I never see that until you pointed it out?" The answer: Denial is a beautiful thing. Well, I've lost that loving feeling and it's gone, gone, gone, (whoa, whoa, whoa).

Back to the point, of which I'm sure you've realize by now there is none. Such is life: a long ramble without a point. This doesn't mean that the filibuster of life isn't entertaining or fulfilling, it just means that no bill will be voted on until we die. Old and wiser, I don't know what crackpot thought of that notion. The older I get the more I realize that I know nothing. The ignorance of conceit and false knowledge can be an easy trap for the mind to settle in. If you set a trap with enough food in it, people won't be in a hurry to get out of it. But the trap contains no real food, only preservatives.

So, what have I learned this year?
1. Be thankful for what you have, but never feel like it's enough.
2. Strive to find a happy medium.
3. The worst kind of betrayal is of oneself.
4. Even if you jump in the water marked deep end don't assume that you won't still hit your head on the cement floor.
5. Even if you jump in the water marked shallow don't assume that it isn't deeper than it looks. Although, if that label is applied to a person then feel free to make assumptions.
6. Money is pure evil. It's too all consuming whether you have too much of it or not enough of it. It dictates your life. I use to wonder why people who have so much money worry about it so entirely, but it's just the notion that the more you have the more you have to lose. But the caveat to that is the bigger the drop the more opportunity you have to grab hold of a rock or branch or something that can break your fall.
7. Everyone is just trying to get by the best way they know how.
8. The right thing is subjective.
9. Even crazy needs a day off.
10. In death we find life and in life we find death.
11. The end is the beginning and it's the beginning of the end.
12. You can't "find yourself" until you lose yourself first.
13. Just because life is a marathon doesn't mean there aren't times when you need to sprint.
14. Always follow the White Rabbit.
15. Never deny yourself the faith that things can get better.
16. Only you can prevent forest fires and only you can save yourself.
17. To allow yourself to be blind is the only way you will be able to truly see.
18. Be thankful for things in of themselves.
19. Someday my Prince will come. Until then I will wear my raspberry beret
20. You can look at the road in front of you to see where you are going, you can look in the rearview mirror to see where you've been, but sometimes you need to look out the driver's side window in order to see where you are.

For me, I hope 2005 is an emotional time machine. The search to regain the innocence lost. How do I get back to Neverland if I've run out of fairy dust? I'll have to think of a thought so happy that it might supercede fairy dust. The freedom of flight intoxicates while the fear of crash numbs. Maybe I need to stop looking down. It's only appropriate at this time of the year that I only look ahead.

Wishing the world a better day than the day before. Hoping the earth never comes to a stand still. Believing in miracles to allow myself to have hope. At the end of the day or the end of the year, no matter what has occurred to be thankful to have partaken. Be thankful for things that never get thanked. Appreciate all that occupies your life. Go forth and be merry. And if all else fails, if you can find nothing else to be happy about than thank God you're alive to see 2005. Happy New Year. Drive safe. Live wise or die trying.

Statistically impossible

The interesting thing about issues in life is that we have this need to find some sort of numerical qualifications to justify problems; really this is just an elitist pissing competition. Why must man have this constant need to have a measuring contest? The thing is, we use these statistics to represent an issue when in reality they don't help anybody with anything other than winning an argument. A statistic is just a number it's nothing I see, nothing I hear, and nothing I feel.

Someone rattles off a statistic to me which temporarily makes me ponder until I realize that it means nothing. It's just a number. A measurement made in quantity but some things can't be measure. We try to measure, but somethings can't be quantified. But who would want a world in which every thing could be expressed in number (I know it is ironic that I type the prior statement since technically it is being expressed in 1 and 0s). But if everything was cut and dry there would be no need for similes or metaphors; life would be as boring as weeknight shift at Crate and Barrel.

The funny thing about statistics is that they don't account for the experience. You say that 20% of Wal-Mart employees make over $80,000, but what does that actually mean. What about the 80% that aren't, some of whom have to use food stamps? These are just numbers they tell me nothing about what department these people work in, where they live, how many kids they have. One statistic prompts my need for more.

I suppose statistics are just are way of making ourselves feel aware and caring, but no one want to be another statistic. Numbers don't help us relate to one another they just make us more distant by taking away a picture or a face. At the end of the day all we want is to feel like we care and that we can relate and that we've won the argument with our brilliant application of statistics. Does it make me feel better? Yes. Or I am at least 50% sure.

New Years Resolutions Part 1 of Zillions

It's that time of year again. Time to make as many false promises to ourselves that will drag our self-esteem down to the pits of despair as we punish ourselves for lack of commitment and/or will power. So this year I'm going to do it differently. I am going to give up things that I actually want to give up. You know, those qualities we have that seem to appear out of nowhere and serve no purpose other than to appease other people. Well, screw other people. That's what 2005 is going to be about: no bureaucratic bull shit.

For starters, I am going to give up fake smiling. Better yet, I think I will stop fake giggling as well. If you tell me a stupid joke, I'm not going to laugh. If you try to tease me then I will insult you right back. This is great because not only do people not know how to react when they don't get the desired and expected response, they also can't handle it. So pick a sound, any vibration of preference, but not a laugh and no smile cracking in sight. For instance, I'm choosing: "hmm."

However, this might be more difficult than I anticipate. Society has ingrained this quality in to me. No woman doesn't have is gene. Half the time I don't even realize that I'm faking it until the action has already been delivered and received. But it is not a reflex, it's merely a programmed reaction. I can overcome this if I want to, I just have to resist the societal pull.

People become lazy with their comedy because of the proliferation of the fake laugh. Why try harder if you can get what you want with the least amount of effort? Really we do a disservice to society to pretending to be amused. Maybe colleagues will go home and work on their: material, delivery, and timing. These charity hand outs of inauthentic emotion just perpetuate the cycle. Give a man a fish, feed him for a night. Teach a man to be funny, get him laid for all his life.

But this is just one of hundreds of resolutions; all of which are dedicated to making the world a better place for all of mankind. One absence of fake laugh with one insert look of disdain at a time. Even if it takes me through to 2006, I will prevail in my attempts. Let this be said that one day I envision a world in which no crappy joke will ever be told and no fake laugh will ever be uttered. Only then can we truly call ourselves a civilized society.

Christmas Stress Part 1 of many

Oh, the holidays. How wonderful they are, wonderfully stressful anyways. I've finally decided what to get everyone but now I realize I can't afford all my grand plans. So, rather than dwell on it, I'm just going to scale them all down. That's what I will do. Although I some how managed to get myself trapped into a gift exchange at work. I didn't mind the idea until the girl was coming around to draw names. I asked: "So, is it a 10 maximum?," her response: "Twenty-five." Dear Lord, I don't even spend that on some of my friends, and they want me to spend that much on an employee that I moderately like. That seems a bit excessive.

I haven't really found the holiday spirit yet this year. I'm on vacation next week so maybe I will find it at that point in time. It's hard at my age, you've lost the magic and you don't yet have to provide the magic for someone else. Christmas limbo is where I find myself. I know the truth but I don't have to lie. I'm not a participant in the game, yet I'm spending a butt load of money at the concession stand.

Christmas is merely like everyone's else birthday occurring on the same day. I have to buy everyone presents and be selfless. It's hard to watch people in LA pretend to be selfless. Everyone here is so self-absorbed that the game becomes even harder to believe. Besides, in LA everyday is a game so this is just one more roll of the dice.

The Power of One

People make me laugh. People in LA really make me laugh. I love how naive everyone is here. It doesn't matter what crappy a job a person works, they still have this undying hope of "making it." It's quite childlike and enduring. You go into all these stores; everyone who works in them is just biding their time. Seeing that helps me recapture what I've lost but it also makes me remember what the chances are.

People amaze me. People in LA really amaze me. Struggling is glamorized, almost considered fun. That is what I've lost as well. I've become so enraptured (i.e. trapped) by financial circumstances that I've forgot how much I liked struggling. Once you get past that point of struggling then you can't go back. I want to go back. I can't take all this responsibility. I watch all these people not bogged down by possessions, they seem so free.

At the end of the day, I know what makes me so unhappy. I know what the problem is, it's that there is nothing I can do about it that makes me so miserable. Sometimes we don't know that we are digging our own grave until we look down and realize that we're holding the shovel. I think that's what makes it all the worse is that I did it to myself. I think problems that are imposed by the outside world are easier to deal with in that you have no choice in the matter.

I allow myself to be sad because it is the only control I seem to have on the situation. I think I'm down because I see everything I ever wanted slipping away as I'm simultaneously pushing everything out to sea. Power relationships are so interesting. Power seems to exist in different spheres. I think power is like energy in that it can't be created or destroyed only transferred. So when we lose power in one sphere of our lives we seek to gain power in another. If I lose power in financial sphere then I gain it in my emotional sphere. In terms of international power there is a theory that says that power is a vacuum, it needs to be filled. So if one leader falls in a region like the middle east then a conflict will arise because that power vacuum with cause it to.

It's like anorexia and rape are said to be not about food or sex but rather power. Like it's said about happiness: only you have the power to make yourself happy. The same rings true for sadness. Just like nations battles brew internally in which the power structure is constantly changing. Right now I am doing my best fighting a two front war, I'm trying to overthrow the power hold that controls my emotions while I'm seeking to reinstate power to my professional life. I suppose if I am successful on one front then I can pull my entire troops over to the other front.

In life everything balances out. If you are struggling monetarily then you are free to be happy, if you are rich you're miserable with everything that ties you down. Every yin has a yang. Life has symmetry. Power is bi-polar. Ignorance is bliss. Life is like shopping around for a good deal on Raman noodles. Like everything that seems true in life the answers can be found in an old camp song:

Happiness runs in a circular motion
Love is like a little boat upon the sea
Everybody is a part of everything everywhere
You can be happy if you let yourself be

We hold these truths to be self-evident.

Life has such a vast spectrum of emotions, why is it that I can only feel one of them. I feel as though I own the direct TV premium package and all I watch is PBS. My numbness appears to be magnetic, I can move away only for a brief instant before I am forced back by the polar pull. How do I demagnetize this emotion? I'm like a blank tape with one track; only I can't press record because it's solely on the remote, which has been misplaced probably between the mattresses or something.

I keep saying the same thing over and over again. But I feel as though I haven't said it the right way yet. Each attempt becomes merely an experiment. Several rough drafts until the precisely right passage finds me. So far it isn't enough, the words have not been found. Will there ever been words that fit? For all the words in this world in all the languages somehow they never seem right or adequate for explaining human emotion. I can't say something I feel but I can always feel something that is said. Emotions emote the most power in the universe forcing to be obeyed. Somehow emotions supersede any form of communications so much so that sometimes they can't even register within ourselves.

Life exists on this unexplainable plane in which nothing can ever fully be comprehended. The anecdote for life seems to be life itself. Life is doomed to contain endless possibilities along with a vast span of nothingness. That which creates also destroys. Life is a pharmacon, the poison and the cure. Within all of us reside self-preservation, self-destruction, and self-help. The questions and the answers are contained in the same space. We have the power to manipulate both extremes with the simple use of the human mind.

I'm a perfectionist who will not rest until my depression has been perfected. It must come across as undeniable, unmistakable, and unequalable. It can't feel half-assed; it must be maximum velocity. The impact inescapable as if it were prophetic. I will conquer this emotion and slow devolution. The strength grows gradually each passing day. Time loses but courage gains. I'll be stronger for the experience if nothing else. I have to tear things down if I want to rebuild. My renovation might be taking a little while, but Rome wasn't built in a day.

I've been trying for so long with such vivaciousness to prove everyone wrong when maybe in the end they have been right. I will do anything to avoid facing the truth. Although, I think truth exists as a derivative. There are no universal truths, despite what Kant might say; there are only instantaneous truths. The concept we have as truth is forever mutating but that is the definition of growth. Our views change, our beliefs evolve, and our universal truths shift. The truth eventually becomes a lie yet we cling to such truths with this false notion that it remains true. Really it is only the lies that remain consistent and unchanged. Truth forever moves whiles lies stay immobile. Like the saying goes: "The truth is hard to kill, but a lie well told is immortal."

I suppose this is why I hold on to the lie because I can't keep up with the truth. If I hold on to the lie than I can remain stagnate. There is a certain amount of comfort in my own deception. Falsehoods change when I want them to, the truth changes regardless of me. Face the truth, I now understand what that means, I'm just not sure if it's true; I only know that it's not a lie.

I'm so vain, I probably think this blog is about me

My ego is so big that it can't fit on this blog. I always thought I had a realistic vision of myself but apparently I am not as great as I thought, at least not to the outside world. It turns out that I expect better than what I deserve. Sadly this has been true for all of my life and all of my life I've been brutally reminded of it in an ever so jarring fashion. I have a case of amnesia when it comes to this so even though I am constantly reminded, I also constantly forget.

I'm so stupid. I'm like the baby who puts her hand on the stove only to have it result with a burn on my hand however unlike other babies who learn not to touch the stove after the first time it burned them, I'm still like: "Oh, pretty flame, I think I will try to touch it." I've burnt my fingers so much that there are no nerve endings left in my fingertips. But the flame is still pretty.

Over the course of my lifetime I've come to realize that the statements that hurt the most are those that weren't meant to hurt at all. When people say something mean to you that is truly mean-spirited then it is easy to brush of because you can just tell yourself that they are being an ass. But the comments that sting are the ones that people closest to you say as truths. To the person saying these statements it is just something they said one moment in time like it was just another statement, to the other person it forms a timeloop forever replaying in his or her head whenever he/she is in search of doubts.

I've always thought that I was too hard on myself. My sometimes crippling self-confidence seemed to have no justification until I realize that I've actually been overestimating myself. It's difficult to believe when you are so hard on yourself that it turns out you're not hard enough because you can't see the truth that the people around you do.

Trust isn't something that comes easily to me. In fact, over the course of the years it has become harder and harder. The way I view my experience with trust is like this: Trust is a swimming pool. Every now and again I stick my toe in the water but am quick to pull it out when the water sends freezing shivers up my toe. Then the sun comes out so I try again thinking the water might have warmed up but once again I find my toe suffering from frost bite. I suppose there are some from the jumping in school of thought. But I'm afraid that if I dive right in that my body will freeze upon impact, at least my toe I can amputate and then move on.

Honestly, I don't know how to let people in. Part of me doesn't want to if they are just going to make me dislike myself. It's ok to dislike other people because you aren't stuck with them for eternity. I really don't dislike myself until the world tells me that I should. The culminating effect this has created is that I never try at anything. Why set myself up for failure? In doing so, failure is guaranteed but not well earned. So in the end I'm not even good at failing because I achieve it through inaction.

In my case Cooley's Looking Glass Theory applies whole-heartedly: " I am not who I think I am, I am not who you think I am, I am what I think you think I am."

Half the time in life we judge ourselves based on what we think the world sees us as. But you have to speak in order to be misheard. At the end of the day you have to do it on your own. I look to the outside world to get validation of my self worth but when I do that I merely end up with a fifteen minute parking sticker in Beverly Hills. I seek others to gratify my ego, but they never do. No one can save you other than yourself, others can throw out a lifesaver but ultimately you have to be the one who decides to grab on to it. In reality no one will give you a lifesaver, you need to learn to swim to shore, just make sure you don't swim out too far in the first place.

I hope someday I will be able to truly let people in. But I must remember that it took me nineteen years just to let myself in. Sometimes I don't know why I wait but other times I don't know what I'm waiting for. How can you know something that you obviously haven't found before? Maybe it doesn't exist to begin with. I suppose that is where faith meets reality: hope. I am filled with so much hope, so much so that I don't know where to store it all. The extra gets distributed to the billions of pieces that my heart finds itself in.

When your heart is permanently broken into tiny pieces it means that you can love so many more things you just can't love them as wholly. The one thing that I've learn for certain in this world is that I don't need someone else to break my heart, I can do it all on my own. The curse of the dreamer is the broken heart and yet we all remain pure of heart. So, I guess that makes the dreamer the ultimate heart surgeon. Forever operating on illusions of: grandeur, love, and reality. My ego might not fit on this blog, but my hope and crushing disappointment can't fit on this earth. Yet some how the former seems more upsetting.

Do you have anything planned for the weekend?

A broker was sitting in the lobby for a moment before he left for the weekend. I engaged in the prerequisite small talk. I politely asked him what his plans were for the weekend. Of course, I expected the normal response like: " I don't know, nothing much, maybe just dinner with some friends." Instead he said: " On Saturday night I am getting on a boat and sailing all night to the Santa Barbara islands where I will go diving on Sunday." Dear Heavens. I've got to get me a life. He asked me the same question to which I answered: "I'm working on Saturday. And on Sunday I will probably just sit around and watch DVDs."

The only time I get to go on a sea adventure is when my Netflix sends me a copy of Master and Commander. But his way sounds fun too. He is a broker that is always doing cool things. He goes on Buddhist trips to wherever and so on. The only trips I go on is down a flight of stairs. But I'm not jealous of his life; I'm in awe of it. I want to be like him someday. He is my vacation role model. I hope that my socio-economic situation will change in the future thus enabling me to travel the great wide planes as well as the ever-expansive oceans.

***We interrupt this post for a bitchfest: Why do people always start to ask me a question when I am on the phone. Do you think my lips are just moving for show? I swear I need one of those stupid "on air" signs to light up when I am on the line. Because not only can I not hear two people at once but I end up not hearing either of them as a result of them interfering with each other. Sometimes people have no awareness. Note: if my lips are moving or I'm displaying that look of intense listening/head nodding, then I am on the phone and please wait your turn to bitch at me. Complaints have a much bigger impact if I can actually hear them.

We now join our previously schedule program already in progress...

I believe I left off sailing the great wide oceans. Or maybe I was on my way to the Brazilian rain forest. At least my mind can travel even if I'm stuck behind this stupid desk. I feel the snowflakes hitting my nose in the middle of the Arctic. My computer really resides in a little Parisian apartment with me at the desk next to the open window inviting the sounds of the quaint alley below in to join us as my mouth waters for the freshly baked bread that filtrates in from the family owned patisserie that occupies the alley.

Someday it won't be my imagination that will have to do all the work, instead it will be my actual senses; so until I come to them, I'm stuck in plane of my own reality rather than a plane with my ass in a first class seat. I'd rather have blood clots forming from sitting on a plane too long than from sitting in my office chair for too long. I can't take a trip around the world just yet so for now I will just have to spin really fast in my chair to at least simulate what the earth feels like constantly revolving. I don't understand how it doesn't get dizzy; it must have the equilibrium of a child.

Blogging in the friendship

It's funny how some moments in your life you hang out with certain people constantly and then a year later you barely ever see them. I suppose this is the cycle of life but it's quite tragic when you think about it. However, that being said there are also some people who you have such a connection with that your friendship is like a cactus, it doesn't require much watering. It's interesting to look back at your life and see how many different type of friendships you've had.

The number of any particular type of friendship depends on what type of person you are. I, myself, am a quality not quantity person. I would rather have a few friends that I can really count on than an army of acquaintances. I hate having to retell my life story to fifty different people every time I call them. Frankly, my life isn't that interesting for me to relive it that many times.

My roommate looked through her address book the other day as she was sending out Christmas; she commented that she didn't realize how many people she isn't in contact with anymore. It is sad, her book is like a little graveyard that fits in her pocket. While it's part of life’s progression to grow and move on there stills seems to be a tiny mourning for what has been lost.

I often wish that I had a magic ball like the Wicked Witch of the West. It would be fulfilling to be able to see what happened to old friends or even the people who you forget of their existence until something random spurs a thought of them. The ultimate satisfaction is to just be able to once and for all answer the question: "I totally forgot about so and so, I wonder what they are up to now?" For the random people this would be satiating enough because I don't really want them in my life, I merely want to know where life has taken them.

Currently, I have disconnected from nearly all of my friends because I'm in an isolationist place right now. I'm seeking the answers to questions I haven't even posed. Trust me, this makes it all the more tricky to find what I'm searching for. It's like looking for a treasure without a map, heck I don't even have one of those lousy metal detectors to help me out. It's hard to invite people on that adventure with you. It doesn't seem fair to drag someone along when the end is no where in sight and even if it where right in front of me I'd be too blind to see it.

Chances are my journey will bring me right back where I started from. The circle of life isn't merely about the food chain. In life we always end up buying the first dress we tried on, but we need to try on all the other dress to make sure there isn't a better one out there. It's hard to trust my first instincts even though as the saying goes, they are always right. The only way to reach certainty seems to be through circular motions. The hero's journey, board games, even months of the year all bring us back to the beginning. The start is the finish only we have to run around the track fifty billion times before we realize that.

Most connections we make in our lives are with our own personal angels. People come into our lives at the very moments when they are what we need. Certain friendships are catalyst for change while others are revolutionary. They all serve to form the fabric of who we are; they are a patch on the quilt and a piece of our heart. So if the start is the finish then the journey is all there is that separates them. Life is what happens when you are on your way there. Friends are the ones who keep asking: "are we there yet?"

Actually, I like to think that the wisest philosophers of the twentieth century said it the best:

There are places I remember

All my life though some have changed

Some forever, not for better

Some have gone and some remain

All these places have their moments

With lovers and friends I still can recall

Some are dead and some are living

In my life I've loved them all

The Beatles represent that subsection of friends that we never meet but they help us out on the journey by communicating with us. Somehow these friends hear us even though we've said nothing, artist who connect with the mass public through shared emotions and experiences can have great individual impact. Those friendships are important as well because they don't judge you they just help you find the truth. The universe contains infinite amounts of relationships: some direct, some indirect, and some an affect.

Some times I feel constantly connected to everything and everyone yet disconnect to the same. We get what we give. Sometimes we get what's coming to us and sometimes we don't get what we deserve. But at the end of the day/journey it's the characters that Alice meets in Wonderland that compose the real story. For those of you who are my friends you will recognize me as the Tweetle Dumb of your story, but that is all right as long as I'm the Alice in mine.