A Crisis of Faith (Lessons I've Learned and Unlearned in 2004)

Is it the end or is it the beginning? I suppose that is one of those glass half empty/half full questions. It's been a rough year, but an important one that has taught me a lot about life and myself. After thinking about it, I've realized this year has been a crisis of faith. For all intents and purposes, this is my Judas year. I've betrayed what I believe by not holding true to it. It's amazing what doubt can do and what ramification it has. Insecurity riddles. Loss of hope destroys. And cynicism creates a vacuous void that can never be filled despite all best efforts to the contrary. I've lost so much, but hope to have the result yield an infinite amount gained. So in by losing we gain and in by gaining we lose. The whole always remains only the balance changes.

Maybe the greatest sacrifice seems to be my inability to pretend anymore. Life and the world is what it is; I can longer deny that. To me things have become Martin Luther to me. My mantra those words he uttered at the Diet of Worms: "Here I stand, I can do no more." The only major difference being that for him this was the end of the fight and for me I can't find the fight within me. But with the loss of the pretend comes the loss of wonder. Denied the awe of magic and the delight in the make believe.

This year represents the struggle in my life. When you are in the lion’s den you begin to realize whom you really are and what it is that you are battling. Is it true that no battle can go unfought? Is there such a thing as a rain delay in those situations? Why shouldn't you postpone the inevitable? Why do today what you can put off until tomorrow, right? Isn't that the definition of struggling: to live in the tomorrow that never comes. Struggling is the act of putting ones life on hold until a more convenient time comes along. Most struggles occur while trying to maintain the status quo and the resistance that is met in doing so.

A year of change breeds a plethora of insights. You can't change without learning and you can't learn without changing. Metamorphous seems all encompassing. Why does change happen all at once? Why when it rains does it pour? What's wrong with a nice light drizzle? Although, the drizzle constantly occurs without our recognition until it seems like it is down pour when really we were just save up the culmination of our change for a rainy day. Change is like the long walk that appears to be moving no where fast until you look at the road behind and realize you've gone farther than you thought or, more importantly, felt. With the "are we there yet" syndrome comes a focus on the end result with no concern for how far you've come/gone.

Well, it's the end of the year, a time to glance back at the road one has traveled to assess how far one has come. The progression or regression made in a single year can be astounding. Mesmerizing is the distance despite the length left to travel to reach the goal.

How can you resist change? I'm one who has always thought that any change was for the better. But this year has proven me wrong on so many fronts. The other day I began my vacation thus I was in a good mood. One of my roommate remarked, "We have the old Whitney back." Since those words finished fluttering out of her mouth, they have impacted my very essence; haunted me to the core. What have I become? Something I never wanted or intended to be. Worst of all, I let it happen. I did nothing to stop it. In fact, I embarrassed it, I relished in it. Sadly, I even took comfort in it. The thing is, I miss the old me as well, probably even more than anyone else does.

I loved who I use to be. I fixate on whether I can ever become what I was. Is there really no going back? If one door closes and another one opens, can you ever go back through the first door again? Is it possible to give yourself a second chance? A new beginning to find the old end. Can it be achieved to unchange? If you can accelerate, why can't you decelerate? I guess it doesn't matter if you slow down because you are still moving in the same direction. Maybe if you turn the car around and head home, but we all know: you can't go home again. Plus, if I turn around then I have to go down that road again, and I can't do that. So, what's the solution? How do I undo what's done without retracing my steps?

People always say that you don't know what you've got until it's gone. But that's not true. I don't know what I had until someone else points out that I don't have it anymore. You have to tell someone that: they've lost that lovin feeling. Only then will they be like: "You're right, I have lost that lovin feeling, how did I never see that until you pointed it out?" The answer: Denial is a beautiful thing. Well, I've lost that loving feeling and it's gone, gone, gone, (whoa, whoa, whoa).

Back to the point, of which I'm sure you've realize by now there is none. Such is life: a long ramble without a point. This doesn't mean that the filibuster of life isn't entertaining or fulfilling, it just means that no bill will be voted on until we die. Old and wiser, I don't know what crackpot thought of that notion. The older I get the more I realize that I know nothing. The ignorance of conceit and false knowledge can be an easy trap for the mind to settle in. If you set a trap with enough food in it, people won't be in a hurry to get out of it. But the trap contains no real food, only preservatives.

So, what have I learned this year?
1. Be thankful for what you have, but never feel like it's enough.
2. Strive to find a happy medium.
3. The worst kind of betrayal is of oneself.
4. Even if you jump in the water marked deep end don't assume that you won't still hit your head on the cement floor.
5. Even if you jump in the water marked shallow don't assume that it isn't deeper than it looks. Although, if that label is applied to a person then feel free to make assumptions.
6. Money is pure evil. It's too all consuming whether you have too much of it or not enough of it. It dictates your life. I use to wonder why people who have so much money worry about it so entirely, but it's just the notion that the more you have the more you have to lose. But the caveat to that is the bigger the drop the more opportunity you have to grab hold of a rock or branch or something that can break your fall.
7. Everyone is just trying to get by the best way they know how.
8. The right thing is subjective.
9. Even crazy needs a day off.
10. In death we find life and in life we find death.
11. The end is the beginning and it's the beginning of the end.
12. You can't "find yourself" until you lose yourself first.
13. Just because life is a marathon doesn't mean there aren't times when you need to sprint.
14. Always follow the White Rabbit.
15. Never deny yourself the faith that things can get better.
16. Only you can prevent forest fires and only you can save yourself.
17. To allow yourself to be blind is the only way you will be able to truly see.
18. Be thankful for things in of themselves.
19. Someday my Prince will come. Until then I will wear my raspberry beret
20. You can look at the road in front of you to see where you are going, you can look in the rearview mirror to see where you've been, but sometimes you need to look out the driver's side window in order to see where you are.

For me, I hope 2005 is an emotional time machine. The search to regain the innocence lost. How do I get back to Neverland if I've run out of fairy dust? I'll have to think of a thought so happy that it might supercede fairy dust. The freedom of flight intoxicates while the fear of crash numbs. Maybe I need to stop looking down. It's only appropriate at this time of the year that I only look ahead.

Wishing the world a better day than the day before. Hoping the earth never comes to a stand still. Believing in miracles to allow myself to have hope. At the end of the day or the end of the year, no matter what has occurred to be thankful to have partaken. Be thankful for things that never get thanked. Appreciate all that occupies your life. Go forth and be merry. And if all else fails, if you can find nothing else to be happy about than thank God you're alive to see 2005. Happy New Year. Drive safe. Live wise or die trying.