This too will pass

Yesterday I read the most interesting Time magazine article. It was about the Twixters called "Grow up? Not so Fast." The thing that made it so fascinating was that it was the first time that I've read an article that was simply true to my perspective. It wasn't thought provoking, it was just factual. I'm sure for other people, who are not twixters, it probably shed some new light on my age group.

I'm not alone. I guess that was the comforting part of the article. Although, I knew I wasn't alone because all of my friends are in the same boat, but it is nice to know that it isn't just because we live in LA. This is helpful to know because I know that changing locations isn't the answer to my problems, no matter how much I try to convince myself differently.

So what is the answer? Even the article doesn't quite know. How do you solve societal growing pains? Those are always the most interesting periods of history when societal evolution tries to catch up to its own societal revolution. A new phase arises without a societal recognition or transition.

I don't know if I can keep waiting for society to get the picture. Frankly, I don't know if I care if they ever do. The threshold that must be crossed is just longer than we thought, but it is still there. It looms in the distance without hope of going anywhere. Apparently the change from child to adult isn't as overnight as we thought. I feel so far from either end of the immediate spectrum. Neither phase of life seems within reach to me.

Maybe it's the search for the new Crusade. Maybe our group no longer searches for eternal life but rather a life worth living. We want purpose in the day to day not in merely the ending. Meaning is the new meaning. The quest is no longer just surviving but to be thriving. The question is the answer. Who know you could find the meaning of life within a half-hour span of jeopardy. "Alex, what is existence?"

The art of war

Definitions courtesy of Dictionary.com
Betrayal:
To be false or disloyal to;
To divulge in a breach of confidence;
To reveal against one's desire or will;
To lead astray; Deceive.

I know that is wasn't a Scorpio that said "to err is human, to forgive divine." But I think that is probably the real circle of life. A series of betrayal and eventual forgiveness seems to be the track the human race runs on. But what if I want to break the cycle? Tired of all the insignificant betrayal that combined to fuse our material makeup. Expectations, deception, and pain; each one causing the other. But why? We are all betrayed constantly in minute portions at a time, what amount justifies the ultimate betrayal? When are we allowed to say that it's too much, that it's unforgivable? I wonder if that is merely a matter of personal choice or if it signifies which people are more evolved than others?

It's funny that it never seems to be the deception that you picture that brings you to the brink. Most of the times it's not the obvious betrayal that is unforgivable but rather an off-shot of it. For instance, you hear of those couples where one person cheats on the other person and the person who was cheated on doesn't care so much about the affair as they do about the lies. So, is that it, are lies the ultimate betrayal? There's the rub. That is the thin line of human existence. We don't want to be deceived or lied to, but we can't cope with the truth, lack of betrayal exists when we balance on the thin line, but as soon as we fall off the tight-wire we realize there is no net.

Just get over it. So easy in concept, if only we were logical beings; which we are not. We might have instance where logic control our minds but emotions always wins the battle over logic no matter what gender you are. There is the answer, no evolution is involved, just pure instinct. So things resonate more than others. At the end of the day it merely comes down to how much you care. Sometimes you never even realize how much you care until the betrayal occurs.

How do you conquer this? In the end every betrayal has to be dealt with, it has to be overcome. The method to reach inner peace arrives in different ways: time, distance, or an outweighing emotion. Most of the times it is the first two means but every once in a great while you find something that is worth enduring the betrayal. Betrayal is constant, but finding something that is worthy of forgiveness is rare.

Still yet, sometimes the only way out of the dark place is to find a light from a different direction. An unexpected beam of illumination can guide you on a new path. Forgiveness can mean letting go of that which it came. The act is a signal that things were out of sorts to begin with.

Regardless, the moment, the instance, the shot heard round the world can't be denied nor should it. If you don't let yourself feel it than you can never truly forgive. I don't think it's possible to forget. The impact will always hit you an infinite number of times, in fact that forms who you are. That which is done can never be undone. A ghost can stop haunting you but it will still be a ghost. I guess the difference is that some instances you can use as a building block and others as a wrecking ball.

Maybe it is an act of betrayal not to forgive someone. You betray what you had and what you could have , for what is now a memory. It's inevitable. The cycle can't be broken. The pain won't go away. And who is right will always be decided by popular opinion. But what is forgivable will always be decided by the heart.

Life is war. The battle rages on everyday with billions of casualties on every front. Maybe life is about finding art in the war, not just the art of war. There are no sides only individuals fighting to save their own ass. So why are we so surprised and hurt when we say, "Et tu Brutus." It gives new meaning to the phrase, "I've got your back."

What is unforgivable? That which makes a little part of yourself die? Is it like rights or cigarette smoking, it's all right to do what you want to do until it takes away part of me. You can't predict what you can and cannot forgive, one day you just wake up and everything is fine. No one knows if that day is today or twenty years from today you only know when it has arrived. All I know is that today, isn't that day.

A Dance with the Devil

Yesterday evening when I was peacefully working the last hour of my 15 hour day, who should walk in the store while I am feverishly trying to restock before we close? Rick Fox. At first I thought it was him but then I thought I was wrong because he looked too young. I went over to ask if he was finding everything all right, he told me he need some stuff because he just moved. Thinking it wasn't him I help show him a bunch of different items. I must admit, another reason I didn't think it was him was because he was very nice, not at all the media portrait.

Anyways, he got some basics and left. Sorry, Julia, I know you dislike him so, but he was entirely pleasant. He is no Ron Livingston mind you, but he does have pretty eyes. Just goes to show that you shouldn't make judgements of people you don't know. He could still be a jerk, but he wasn't to me. I think we shouldn't judge people based on how they act at work, if that was the case everyone would think I'm a crazy raving bitch, well, maybe I'm a bad example. I'm just saying think about how you might be precieved if people only knew you through work and your failed relationships, would they have a good opinion of you.

I don't feel sorry for celebrities and faux-celebrities. I just think that it must suck some times, even if they do bring it one themselves. It's just nice to know that people who can treat you like shit don't, even if people who have no justification do.

I'm lost in a sea of my thoughts. Riding the tidal wave usually finding myself somewhere between contentment and resentment. A burning sting runs up my spin foretelling the signs of the flu. My exhaustion leaves me dragging, yet when I look behind me all I see is my own baggage. Tiredness over powers my every movement, but unwilling to yield to my own peer-pressure I resist it's every inclination. I try to find allies in my battle but the caffeine appears to no longer be the soldier that it once was, damn high tolerance. I feel that no matter who/what comes to fight along side me, sickness and tiredness teamed together will no doubt kick my ass in a matter of minutes.

Tag, I'm it. The thought of my bed seems to be the only home base within reach. Reaching, stretching, curling; oh, how I long to be. Fingers type so slowly, yet still move faster than my mind. Don't mind me, I've lost my mind.

My mind justifies, my eye wanders, and my heart promises the only thing they have in common is that they all disappoint me. Why is luck not universally spread, even within yourself. How can you be so lucky in one area of your life and so beyond helpless in other areas: this leaves us all torn as to whether we are lucky SOBs or tragically unlucky MoFos. Cursed and blessed, neither one without the other.

Why is it that when I'm sick everything seems so clear while becoming for fuzzy? The warmness begins to travel to the highest and lowest extremes of my body. Even sickness seems to be circular when you have a fever you shiver, this seems to defy logic of temperature related cause and effect.

When you are sick things; sound different, taste different, look different, and even smell and feel different. You tap into to this different world, you're able to have different perspective than your own, it is the few times when you can see what it might be like to view the world other than the way you do. A change of perspective. I often wish I could be in someone else mind but not view it with my own. I want to see how other people process things. I don't want to be an active participant just an observer. How can we truly understand someone's life until we can see the world through their eyes not walk in their shoes because that is still us imposing our world view upon their life.

I can't stay focused. The zoom on my camera is broken. The shutters on my eyes keep closing. There seems to be no film in the camera. But the framing in the view finder finds an angle I've never seen. Point and shot. I'll never remember what the picture was suppose to look like because the film will inevitably be overexposed.

I hate social security

I don't understand why we can't just admit that we failed and move on, why do we have to drag future generations down with the system. I mean they take more money out of my pay check for social security than they do for state taxes. Ironically, they take more out of my pay check for social security than they do for my 401K. Social security is money that I am just giving away because I will never see a dime of that money. Last year they took out like $1500 for social security, so basically I just donated a Mac laptop to some old guy.

My manager gave his "State of the Branch" speech today. Yes, it was as cheesy as it sounds. I admire the sentiment but obviously I'm not his target market so it was a little lost on me. I damn near puked 4 times because of the utter epitome of capitalism that was on display. Grant the company is by definition the core of capitalism. But you know what they say about keeping your enemies close, you can't get much closer the sleeping with them, metaphorically of course.

Although, the most entertaining accept of the meeting was the "phantom" broker who was listening on the phone. I couldn't help but just stare at the light on the phone. It was a little 2001 for me and even worse his name is Dave. I wanted to bust up laughing every time I looked at the indicator light.

But the speech has inspire me to give my own speech. The State of Myself. Every year I will stand in front of the mirror and list my achievements, the goals I've met or haven't met, and the progress I hope to make for the future. Although it isn't the same if I don't have a fake congress to stand up and applaud ever second. Maybe I will force my friend to listen to my State of Myself. In fact, I think all of them should have one too. This way everyone will have the answer to: "So, what are you doing with your life?" And no one will have to ever ask that question again or even think it really loudly.

I think I will begin my draft shortly. But first I have to decide what I'm going to where because everybody knows that 90% is how you say it and 10% is what you say. Plus, I want to look good if I have to look at myself in the mirror for an hour, I don't want the state of myself to start off the new year with a complex I've developed from noticing some flaw that you only notice when looking in the mirror for an hour, not that I've ever looked in the mirror for an hour before. Although, I have looked at the amount of money they take out of my check for social security for over an hour wishing I could morph it at least into my own personal 401k plan. But no, stupid bastards make me pay for the money they already took from the poor suckers before me.

"He's just not that into me"

Oh, the words that have ignited such controversy. Why heated debate because they are true. But the truth they hold is not merely contained to the romantic arena, I've found this week that they are true for everything in life. For me, this truth relates to job searching. The jobs you don't want call you back and the ones you yearn for don't even glance over your resume before it makes it to the bottom of the trash can. I sit here wanting so bad to get a call that is never going to be placed. Yet, I receive calls I never expected and frankly, never care to get.

Thus is the moral of the story. Don't want anything and you get everything you never wanted. But where is the excitement, the anticipation, and the searing disappointment. This is the adrenaline that makes the world go round. This is the sad part about accepting this mantra as the truth that it is. If we all concede the point then what music would be listen to, what books would we read, and what paintings would we stare at. Longing is that force of nature that torments our very soul that breeds inspiration.

So we know the truth, all that does is close us off from going down the wrong road. Sometimes the only way to find the right road is to take a detour down the wrong one.

It kills me, knowing that I can't have that which I want the most. The agony of defeat. Why can't I will it to be different?

I don't even try and they call me back. I try so hard that they don't want it. So this is what I've learned about life, don't try and people will come a calling, show any ounce of caring and they run for the countryside. I will now treat everyone and everything like dirt. This way if he isn't that into me I won't care because I don't care.

But why aren't they calling? Just because I don't have the "on paper" qualifications doesn't mean you should call me. Call me. Please!

Hey, at least I tried, I suppose that is the first part of the battle. Nobody ever tells you that rejections is the second part.

The search of job

I've been in a great mood the last few days. I don't know if it is because it is a new year. If I am completely in love with my new TiVo DVD burner. Or if it's all the thoughts of a new job and my quest to find it. My roommate emailed me two job postings. Now these weren't any job listings, they were dream job listings. Jobs that I can't even contemplate without blushing. The fact that I don't have the qualifications "on paper" that are need to secure these jobs but this doesn't make me sad, I'm just happy knowing that these jobs exist in the world.

I've been thinking about lighting my hair, in recent months I have dyed it dark-most likely to match my mood- but now I want to highlight it. Add some warmth to accompany the depth. Although, the other receptionist just put blond highlights in her hair which would make people think that I am trying to single white female her, but that is all the more motivation to get a new job.

I can't say how much I adore my new purchase. I was concerned before I bought it because I'm poor. But I got a bunch of cash as a bonus, so I promised myself that if I could pay for it with the cash then I could get it. Because the money would have made me a little less poor for two months, but the TiVo would give me something to show for my hard work. I thought I would have buyers remorse, but I didn't and don't. Even though my roommate already has TiVo, having my own is so much better. I can record what I want, season pass my shows. I've actually have it set to record like 5 movies a day which I have been burning to DVD each night. It's amazing.

Trying to just enjoy the present and not get to engulfed in the future. Life is enjoyable now. I'm not going to worry about tomorrow until it's today. Trying my hardest not to make prediction for the year ahead because they either become disappointments or self-fulfilling prophecies. So, I'm going to go with the flow. So far it's working out.