Why do people assume that I'm an idiot?

I finally sat down with my manager, and not only was he not helpful, but he actually made me hate this place more: I didn't know it was possible, but he achieved a huge feat in doing so. All day I couldn't decide if I wanted to cry or scream. We sat down to talk to him fully knowing that he wouldn't be able to help us but all we wanted was to voice our concerns. Sometimes all you need to make you feel better is for someone to listen. Instead of listening, my manager decided to lecture about all the hardships in the world.

People wonder why there is no employee loyalty anymore. That's your answer. Employees don't want that much. Everyone merely wants what Aretha Franklin immortalized: R-E-S-P-E-C-T. Why can't my company find out what it means to me? I once read that a person spends 75% of their waking hours on or thinking about work. In other words we give our lives over to a company and they could give a shit about it. My breathing is an inconvenience to them. If only I didn't take up so much of their precious oxygen. The audacity that I even contemplate, let alone partake in, breathing at work.

Have I stressed enough in the last several months how much I abhor my company? I loathe them. I despise them. But mostly, I pity them. The world is changing. Evolution occurs and leaves some behind. If you can't adapt with climate than you are going to be a casualty of the survival of the fittest. Companies need to start to bring more to the table. The way in which companies need to compete is vastly mutating. Business is like education. No one wants to invest in that which is not currently seen in concrete figures.

The problem is that companies, as a whole, have no vision. They can't move because they can't see anything below them. The side effect of skyscrapers is that while they give you a clear view of the clouds, they do not allow you to see the ground. Most of the time they try to move, just step on whatever is beneath them. But I am not beneath them, I am standing right before them and yet I am still invisible. I won't give my 75% to a company that does not see me, hear me, or respect me.

Do not belittle me. Stop exploiting me. And cease pretending to care. You don't care. You don't know how to feel; you cold, sterile, soulless machine. Fuck you, second largest company in the world. You may be big, but I have never met someone or something so small. You may rule the universe, but you do not own me. You may have rented me for a little while but trust me when I tell you that your lease is about to expire. I'm evicting your ass and giving you the bird. It doesn't matter how high up you are in your skyscraper, birds can still shit on your windows.

But you can't treat this winged beast like crap anymore. I wash my hands of you. From this day on, I might show up, but I will never again be here. You can have my hours but you will not have my life. I will wear a flag tomorrow in order to show my claim of this land. They will never conquer me. They can hold me down but they can't hold me back. Come January, I will be traveling the great oceans of life again in search of new lands to explore. For the time being I will stand on the deck of my boat with desperate hopes of pointing in the distance in front of me then uttering, "land."

If I am an idiot, it is not for lack of understanding; it is for putting up with so much for so long without ever saying anything. I do feel better after talking with my manager if only so I can leave this place with a clear conscience. I've done my best to express my concerns and my needs. I've sat down at the table; it is not my fault if they cannot find a chair. I might be an idiot, but they're the damn fool.

The Evil Intern

I have a bone to pick. This punkass bitch intern that works at our company thinks he is the shit. I hate fucking business majors. You can't rule the world with your stare; stop believing you do. Don't swagger. Cease gloating. End the heir of superiority.

But I can't help but laugh because I know what is head his way. If only they knew the post-college depression. He too will become a soap opera fan who wonders what the point of a degree really is. The spiral of despair. He doesn’t know that he will soon get a major ass kick by the universe. I would pity he, if he didn't have it coming.

I was sitting in the small lunchroom, peacefully enjoying my subway sandwich (which was more appetizing since someone else bought it for me) when the aforementioned undesirable said: " you're eating all by yourself, that is so sad." Dude! What are we in High School? Poor guy, so insecure that he can't even eat lunch on his own. Sure, if I was hiding in a corner praying that no one would see me, then you could make fun of me for eating alone. But, I can't eat at my desk; it is frowned upon. I sorry if I was using the lunchroom for its intended purpose, I will never be so foolish again.

The moral of the story: no matter how much I think differently in my head, I never want to be that age again. Not to say that I am unbelievably smarter now but it is nice to realize that I have grown a little. Maybe the wretched specimen foils me in order for me to realize that I am better off than I was. Things are getting better, no matter how slow the pace may seem. It is just sad that all the while that he is laughing at me, I am laughing at him infinitely harder. But I guess I am the same thing to those who are older and wiser than myself. It's nice to know that at any age you are the comic and the audience to different people. I don't care either way, as long as someone is laughing.

Go Red Sox. Momma needs some free ice cream.

All the sudden, my office starts to get cool. I think it is the beginning of the holiday season that is in the air. The treats began a little early this year with the big win for the Red Sox. Our manager bought everyone in the office hot dogs as a celebration of baseball history being made. They were delivered from N. Hollywood to our Beverly Hills location. Boxes, full of hot dogs to feed our hungry 125 employees, were scattered all over the seventh floor lunch room. So, I'm hoping that if the Red Sox win we will get chocolate malts which we'll eat with wooden spoons.

I entered an office pool for game two of the series. You pick a square and then they draw where the numbers go on the grid after it is all filled in. I got 4 for the Cardinals and 1 for the Sox. So either the Sox need to lose or they need to score 10 runs. I do want the Sox to win but I also want the series to go to game 7, which means they are going to have to lose 3 games for that to happen, why not lose game 2 so I can win $100.

Apparently, if there are two rain delays and the series go to game seven, then the last game of the series would fall on election day. I wonder if that happened who would it effect more. First it would effect the Mountain and Pacific time zones the most since it probably wouldn't start until 7:30 since it would be in Boston. Most people in the east have voted by then since the polls close at 8. But the game starts at 4:30 or 5:00 in the west. That is when people are just getting off of work and most people would, sadly, pick the game over voting.

Now, are most baseball fans republican or democrat? I think someone, that means you gallop, should take a poll of the hypothetical question. Ask registered voters if the seventh game of the world series was on election day, would you vote or watch the game. Both would be historic events. This election is said to be the most important of our time (of course that was also said about the last election) and if the Red Sox win it could be the most important world series game of our time. Personally, I would just try to take the day off of work because I know it won't be a historic day there. Even though it is getting more tolerable.

Next week we get to dress up for work. People can bring their kids to trick or treat. Damn, now I've got competition trying to score candy from my co-workers. I have no hopes of winning the costume contest since mine will be overly simple and rely on wit to appreciate. So, work gets better as the holidays fastly approach. Although, I'm interested to see what it is like the day after the election. Surprisingly there are a lot of democrats in the office, even tons of the brokers. At first this struck me as odd that all these big wig financial guys were democrats but then I remembered that we're in California. Busy couple of weeks coming up. So many things that I keep forgetting that it is my birthday soon. Another year, another wrinkle. Go Sox.

For your eyes only

There are certain things that people should never be privy to. Some times ignorance is bliss. And to know the truth ruins any illusion that one might foster. I HATE the truth. All that it ever proves is how selfish people are. Nobody gives a damn. But I do. That is what makes what is real harder for me to digest.

People are bastards. They are. The more people have, the less they share with others. I suppose it is because they don't know what it is like to need anything. They know how to want things but they don't know how to need. If you can't see the other side of the coin, how do you know what it looks like? However, if you are on opposite ends of the same side of the coin then it is easier to understand.

But none of that changes the fact that once you have empirical proof that someone is an asshole, then there's no more pretending he isn't. When something appears in black and white, it is hard to view it in color. I want to believe the lie again. I want to be able to put on a smiley face but that relies on the possibility of things being different. But things are what they are. The truth is just that. Sometimes the world is black and white, especially on a gray day.

Why do I care what you think?

Last night I had the most horrible nightmare. It felt so realistic. Every emotion I owned. Every reaction I fought. And every moment crushed my mind and my spirit. This unfathomable dream consisted of one single scenario: George W. Bush won the election.

Now, don't get me wrong. During my waking state I am not a fan of Bush, but I still couldn't understand why this event took such a huge toll on my being. In fact, the instance has been haunting me all day. The pit of my stomach has been turned inside out. I finally had forgotten about it despite the fact that I was reading a Vanity Fair article that equates George W. to Henry the V. A co-worker, one of the few in the office that is within my age group, came up and asked me what I was reading. After seeing the words in print she seemingly followed with the natural next question: "Who are you voting for?" I pointed to the caricature picture of Bush and company and replied, "Not for him."

Then the unthinkable happened. A train plowed right into me because I couldn't see it coming since obviously the light at the end of the tunnel has been extinguished. My co-worker gave me a crazy look, followed by saying; "You're voting for Kerry? He is crazy." For the first time ever my brain stopped, probably to empathize with her since it is obvious hers must have stopped some time ago. I don't get it. Why are intelligent people voting for a mad man? I have tried so many times to understand why people support him. But I am done trying to understand.

Is it our job, as human beings, to try to understand all people? I use to think so. But now I don't know. Maybe it is alright to pick a couple of categories of personalities that I want to fully comprehend and then maybe forget about the rest. It is too exhausting trying to understand narrow minded people. I know I am being narrow minded in my view of them, but so be it.

There are just some personalities that I will never understand, and for once in my life I've made peace with that. But despite this burden being lifted from my shoulders, I still must endure the test because so many of the personalities that I have given up hope of comprehending, reside in this office.

Some days I get so claustrophobic that I actually feel like I am going to physically suffocate. I didn't realize that the six floor qualified as being into thin air. But if it isn't than why do I need the oxygen tank to breath properly.

I've got to get out of this place. But they have sucked me in with the mention of year end bonus floating around the ever populated environment. Fine, they win this round. But we'll see who wins the next round when the bell rings again after the new year. Then I will realize for whom the bell tolls, until then I will concentrate of figuring out why the cage bird sings. I do like singing, but nothing was ever mentioned about the cage bird being so off key.

A little joke to start the day

My boss started his morning notes with a joke. This time it was a joke I could enjoy.

The Joke:
George Bush goes to an elementary school to talk about the war. After his talk he offers question time. One little boy puts up his hand and George asks him what his name is.
"Billy," the kid says.
"And what is your question, Billy?"
" I have three questions," says Billy, "First, why did the USA invade Iraq without the support of the UN? Second, why are you President when Al Gore got more votes? Third, whatever happened to Osama Bin Laden?"
Just then the bell rings for recess. George Bush informs the kiddies they will continue after recess. When they resume George says, "OK, where were we? Oh that's right question time. "Who has a question?"
Another little boy puts up his hand. George points him out and asks him what his name is.
"Steve,sir"
"And what is your question, Steve?"
"I have five questions. First, why did the USA invade Iraq without the support of the UN? Second, why are you President when Al Gore got more votes? Third, whatever happened to Osama Bin Laden? Fourth, why did the recess bell go 20 minutes early? And fifth, what the hell happened to Billy?"

Enjoy the debates. Hope that gave you a little chuckle. I thought it was nice to start the day with a laugh, for a change.

I am not sad today.

At first, I thought I was my normal numb emotion today, but then I realized that I am actually at peace in this moment in time. Just like there is a thin line between love and hate there is an equally fine line between numbness and peacefulness. I'm so use to one that it takes me a little while to register the other. Don't get me wrong, I am still not gleefully happy in my current situation. Only, today I am dealing with it. Depression is merely a manifestation of when one doesn't possess the ability to cope with reality. For the time being I have a coping mechanism.

When you are drowning there is that moment where you just give in. You have been struggling to keep your head above water. Your arms are tired. The water begins to fill your lungs. And the pull of the current drags you under. Finally you begin to slowly sink. As it pulls you down you stop trying to swim for a moment. You glance around the ocean life around you. In that instant in time peace and stillness engulf you. Everything is so quiet. Everything becomes so clear. What was it that you were fighting? In life we're afraid of any kind of death. But certain deaths are necessary in order to be reborn.

The word we use for great change is: metamorphosis. In order to change there must be a death. Even in tarot cards the death card means rebirth. I am beginning to wonder why I have been trying so hard to keep from drowning. It hurts so much to paddle so hard only to be sucked under regardless. But I fear death so entirely that I can't truly live. Life consists of a series of changes. Without change I remain stagnate, thus stifle life. Growth equals change.

I think I make my life too hard because I try to resist the inevitability of change. I'm too stubborn, and too stubborn to realize that I am. I seem to want to save things that shouldn't be saved. When all along I should've just surrendered. It feels like most of my life consists of trying to prohibit or deny the natural course my life wants to take. I want to save things that can't be saved. Why?

Maybe I should learn to swim forward instead of in place. It's fine and dandy that I know how to tread water for 45 minutes, but what's the point when the shore resides five strokes away. I guess time and even distance truly are relative. When I am depressed I mistake the treading for movement, when in reality I am staying in place. Life exists where the ocean meets the shore. I hope that one day I will let myself wash up so I can see the waves crashing to the shore. A day when I can look out at the ocean rather than be stuck in the middle of it.

We spotted the ocean at the head of the trail
Where are we going, so far away
And somebody told me that this is the place
Where everything's better, everything's safe
-Toad the Wet Sprocket

Evidence that the whole world isn't depressed.

It's funny, when you are in one boat you assume that everybody is in the same boat with you. But apparently there are other people on other boats and they are passing me in the night. I first came about evidence of this a few weeks ago, but I just brushed it off as a fluke. But once disproved and it's rumor, twice disproved and it's gospel.

Number one: Julia had posted her own version of a personality test. The questions consisted of either/ors. For instance: ocean vs. forest, mac vs. pc, etc. But it was the last question that became controversial. Awake vs. Asleep. Iris and I, of course, answered asleep. We asked these questions to a random co-worker who was passing by. She was puzzled by the last question. She just stood there thinking and looking utterly confused. She asked, "I don't get it. What do you mean awake or asleep? what kind of question is that?" Iris and I just looked at each other. We couldn't understand her not understanding. Then, I got it. Oh my god! She has never been depressed.

I didn't think that it was possible to have never been depressed. It is one thing to get the question but not be depress, thus answering: awake. But to not even get the difference. Wow, that is pretty amazing. Despite this instance, I wasn't convinced that she wasn't a lone freak who didn't know the spectrum of human emotions.

Number two: today I was again talking with a coworker. We were on the subject of people being scared of her. She couldn't see how anyone would be scared of her. I sarcastically answered: "if anyone says they are scared of you, you should ask them if they are more scared of you or themselves." Again, this coworker looked at me unaware of my meaning. She said that she isn't scared of herself. Wow, how does she do that? To not be your own worst enemy. That is pretty fucking amazing.

So, all this time that I didn't think I was alone in this world with my feelings, it turns out that I am. If I'm on this row boat all by myself, who is going to pull the tampon out to plug the leaky hole? I guess I am up a creek without a paddler. I don't know if I can steer this course without another rower. I suppose it isn't like two boats passing in the night. It is like a cruise ship sailing on calm waters and a dingy drifting down a stream that the people on the boat don't even know exists. Maybe all the world's explorers were really depressed, hoping that they were going to glide out to the middle of nowhere only a huge chunks of land got in their way. Or better yet they were hoping they were going to fall of earth. I going to print up t-shirts for them that say: "I went to fall of the face of the earth and all I got was this stupid continent."