I am such a little shit
It doesn't matter how wonderful or nice people are to me, I have no appreciation of it. In my mind I have painted this horrible picture of my work place; when today all people have shown me is, the love. But part of me thinks that it's just the holiday season. Then I get mad again. Because when people do nice things for me here I feel guilty for hating it and wanting to leave it. I don't like feeling guilty. Then I realize that my job is an abusive boyfriend. They metaphorically smack the hell out of me all year and then expect me to forgive them during the holidays when all the sudden they start treating me like an actual human being. What, now I'm suppose to thank my lucky stars for working for such a giving company? Yeah, give me a break.
It's not to say that I'm not thankful for the nice things that they do, it just means that I don't think a large feast erases the multitude of sins/infractions that have been lobed my way the rest of the year. It all stems from that death bed vision we all accept, everyone must forgive the dying person who confesses their plethora of sins committed over their lifetime. That with death all sins wash away.
If a father gives his son a bike for Christmas, only he beats his son the rest of the year. The son will be thankful for the great gift but it doesn't mean he won't use that bike to run away from his jackass father who kicks the crap out of him the other 364 days a year. So, yes I am thankful for being treated to gourmet lunches once a year. That is very polite, but I don't enjoy being treated like dirt the rest of the time only to be treated like royalty for one day. The problem with treating someone like royalty is that you expose them to a world they didn't know existed, a girl can become accustom to such treatment. Being royalty for the day is nice in theory but in reality it just lets you know what you are missing.
The person who really makes me feel guilty is my HR lady. I feel horrid because I do nothing to earn or garner her admiration yet she bestows it on me whole-hearted. This kills me because I feel as though I am betraying someone who has only ever looked out for my own self-interest. She has always gone to the mat for me. In fact, today she gave me a thank you letter from her baby shower that damn near made me cry. It made me feel like I was the smallest person in the world. She thanked me for the gift and then stated that she loves working for me which was followed with the statement that she intends on keeping me here. When I read that it made me feel like an ant from my perspective was a giant. She is one of the few people here who I enjoy working with and I don't want to let her down or hurt her feelings, but I am dying here. I can't stay in this situation because of a few people.
Not to drag out the abusive boyfriend analogy for too long, but you wouldn't stay with an abusive boyfriend because you really like some of his friends. So, yes I will feel guilty during the holiday season, I may even begin to think that I have misjudge the people/situation, but come the new year my resolution will still be the same. I can't let myself forget the other 10 months of the year. Bruises may fade with a little turkey and stuffing, but the deep cuts grow more infected the longer they are left unattended.
At the end of the day, guilt is a lot easier to get over than emotional scars. While some might see me as an ungrateful shit, I just won't be fooled by the sugar-coating. I might dream of sugarplum fairies, but I won't be tricked by the illusion of them. I am thankful for the individual acts I just am not going to let it change my opinion as a whole. Fool me at Christmas, shame on you. Fool me for the year, shame on me.
It's not to say that I'm not thankful for the nice things that they do, it just means that I don't think a large feast erases the multitude of sins/infractions that have been lobed my way the rest of the year. It all stems from that death bed vision we all accept, everyone must forgive the dying person who confesses their plethora of sins committed over their lifetime. That with death all sins wash away.
If a father gives his son a bike for Christmas, only he beats his son the rest of the year. The son will be thankful for the great gift but it doesn't mean he won't use that bike to run away from his jackass father who kicks the crap out of him the other 364 days a year. So, yes I am thankful for being treated to gourmet lunches once a year. That is very polite, but I don't enjoy being treated like dirt the rest of the time only to be treated like royalty for one day. The problem with treating someone like royalty is that you expose them to a world they didn't know existed, a girl can become accustom to such treatment. Being royalty for the day is nice in theory but in reality it just lets you know what you are missing.
The person who really makes me feel guilty is my HR lady. I feel horrid because I do nothing to earn or garner her admiration yet she bestows it on me whole-hearted. This kills me because I feel as though I am betraying someone who has only ever looked out for my own self-interest. She has always gone to the mat for me. In fact, today she gave me a thank you letter from her baby shower that damn near made me cry. It made me feel like I was the smallest person in the world. She thanked me for the gift and then stated that she loves working for me which was followed with the statement that she intends on keeping me here. When I read that it made me feel like an ant from my perspective was a giant. She is one of the few people here who I enjoy working with and I don't want to let her down or hurt her feelings, but I am dying here. I can't stay in this situation because of a few people.
Not to drag out the abusive boyfriend analogy for too long, but you wouldn't stay with an abusive boyfriend because you really like some of his friends. So, yes I will feel guilty during the holiday season, I may even begin to think that I have misjudge the people/situation, but come the new year my resolution will still be the same. I can't let myself forget the other 10 months of the year. Bruises may fade with a little turkey and stuffing, but the deep cuts grow more infected the longer they are left unattended.
At the end of the day, guilt is a lot easier to get over than emotional scars. While some might see me as an ungrateful shit, I just won't be fooled by the sugar-coating. I might dream of sugarplum fairies, but I won't be tricked by the illusion of them. I am thankful for the individual acts I just am not going to let it change my opinion as a whole. Fool me at Christmas, shame on you. Fool me for the year, shame on me.
posted by Whit at 2:22 PM
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