What's Old is New Again
It is obvious that I have no clue what I am doing anymore. I look back at the shadow of what I use to be and I can't seem to feel any connection to it. I suppose I am Peter Pan in that way, my shadow has become detached from my being, the only difference is that I am not chasing it. Sometimes I worry that it is chasing me. How can I never escape something and yet have no connection to it. Paradoxes, they are a little bit of a paradox themselves.
I have been very sad and numb lately, like it isn't completely noticeable from my blog, but I now know what my problem is. I use to think that my problem was failure, it's not. My issue revolves around the state of limbo I've put my life in. I've come to the proverbial fork in the road. I know what the two roads are, I need to stop glaring at them. I must make a choice.
I sit here wallowing in my own self-pity, yet I do nothing to change my situation. I rest everything on this "dream" even though I'm not actively trying to seek it. I've shut down. I've been unproductive for too long. I need to start to work hard and produce a product or I have to give up the dream. It is stupid to torture myself with something that I do nothing to earn.
What the hell is wrong with me? Sitting back and waiting for shit to happen to me didn't work for the first 25 years of my life, why do I think the future will be anything different. For a little time I had settled on the notion of giving up entirely, I would redirect my life in a plausible future not an imaginary one. I had finally made peace with this decision. But dreams are more stubborn than I am. They are like an old flame that will not extinguish. Still, I also can't remember how to ignite it either. Damn paradoxes.
How can I feel so much and still feel nothing at all. I've grown too cynical and yet remain too optimistic. I've held on too tight but haven't grasped hard enough.
When will this cycle end. I've definitely gotten my money's worth but now I want off this merry-go-round. Now matter how hard I try I can't grasp the brass ring to throw into the clown's mouth. At the end of the day, now matter how big the circle that you spin around in is, you inevitably wind up at the same place.
The funny thing is that now I am trying to recapture the excitement that I once had. It's like trying to fall in love again with a love that was once lost. I want the wonder back. I want the seemingly undying belief that anything and everything is possible back. I want the thrill of the fight back. I want Santa Claus back and everything that belief entails.
Maybe if I had Santa Claus's work ethic, then I might see my dream become it's own magical universe. I might be dead inside, but I guess I'm hoping that the spirit of Christmas lives dormant inside of me and that all I need is to unleash it again. It's funny how it is my youth that is old to me, I merely have to find out how to make it new again. I might not have a clue but I still know the path of least resistance, surprisingly it turns out to be the opposite of what I expected. Now I just have to learn how to expect more from myself, I'm hoping that will make all the difference.
I have been very sad and numb lately, like it isn't completely noticeable from my blog, but I now know what my problem is. I use to think that my problem was failure, it's not. My issue revolves around the state of limbo I've put my life in. I've come to the proverbial fork in the road. I know what the two roads are, I need to stop glaring at them. I must make a choice.
I sit here wallowing in my own self-pity, yet I do nothing to change my situation. I rest everything on this "dream" even though I'm not actively trying to seek it. I've shut down. I've been unproductive for too long. I need to start to work hard and produce a product or I have to give up the dream. It is stupid to torture myself with something that I do nothing to earn.
What the hell is wrong with me? Sitting back and waiting for shit to happen to me didn't work for the first 25 years of my life, why do I think the future will be anything different. For a little time I had settled on the notion of giving up entirely, I would redirect my life in a plausible future not an imaginary one. I had finally made peace with this decision. But dreams are more stubborn than I am. They are like an old flame that will not extinguish. Still, I also can't remember how to ignite it either. Damn paradoxes.
How can I feel so much and still feel nothing at all. I've grown too cynical and yet remain too optimistic. I've held on too tight but haven't grasped hard enough.
When will this cycle end. I've definitely gotten my money's worth but now I want off this merry-go-round. Now matter how hard I try I can't grasp the brass ring to throw into the clown's mouth. At the end of the day, now matter how big the circle that you spin around in is, you inevitably wind up at the same place.
The funny thing is that now I am trying to recapture the excitement that I once had. It's like trying to fall in love again with a love that was once lost. I want the wonder back. I want the seemingly undying belief that anything and everything is possible back. I want the thrill of the fight back. I want Santa Claus back and everything that belief entails.
Maybe if I had Santa Claus's work ethic, then I might see my dream become it's own magical universe. I might be dead inside, but I guess I'm hoping that the spirit of Christmas lives dormant inside of me and that all I need is to unleash it again. It's funny how it is my youth that is old to me, I merely have to find out how to make it new again. I might not have a clue but I still know the path of least resistance, surprisingly it turns out to be the opposite of what I expected. Now I just have to learn how to expect more from myself, I'm hoping that will make all the difference.
posted by Whit at 6:50 AM
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