Hopelessly Confused
Just because something isn't wrong does that mean it is right. I feel like I live my whole life this way. We tend to rationalize things as being right simple because there is nothing wrong with them. Whether it is a relationship or a work situation the lack of cons doesn't add up to pros. But the risk of change brings fear that it could be worse. Is it better to stay put because you are content rather than risk the possibility of misery.
I am eating myself up inside with thoughts of the future and the present. I want to make sure that the present facilities a pleasant future, but at the same time I don't want a present that is consumed by thoughts of the unknown quantity. I guess that is the problem you must face when you have a "day job" which only provides monetary compensation. To ask yourself to rely on the faith of your dream to make it all seem worthwhile. But all faith wavers. Faith is hard, it questions you everyday. I worry about the one day when it pushes me to the brink. So I wonder where I want to be on that day.
The saying goes: "expect the worst, and hope for the best" (or something to that effect). Dreams require so many elements to come together in just the right formation and time. And in the right place, which place would that be. Maybe leaving one place will tamper with the set course or maybe it will spark it.
And then comes the issue of loyalty. I'm naturally an extremely loyal person. I feel like I'm betraying a person or a place by even looking to change situations. There is always a huge problem when one is loyal and also non-confrontational. I don't want to leave my situation but I don't know how to change it. If I fix the problems than I might realize that the car is still a piece of crap. Or worse yet maybe it needs a whole new engine.
My confusion is only made arithmetically worse by my emphasis of my decision being the end all be all of my life. Why do I weight my decisions in the next few weeks to be earth shatteringly important when really every single decision we make alters our path in life. I'm a fool for thinking and a fool for not thinking enough. I see the road in front of me I'm just not sure what exit to take. I hope that if I take the wrong one than at least it will be easy off/ easy on.
I am eating myself up inside with thoughts of the future and the present. I want to make sure that the present facilities a pleasant future, but at the same time I don't want a present that is consumed by thoughts of the unknown quantity. I guess that is the problem you must face when you have a "day job" which only provides monetary compensation. To ask yourself to rely on the faith of your dream to make it all seem worthwhile. But all faith wavers. Faith is hard, it questions you everyday. I worry about the one day when it pushes me to the brink. So I wonder where I want to be on that day.
The saying goes: "expect the worst, and hope for the best" (or something to that effect). Dreams require so many elements to come together in just the right formation and time. And in the right place, which place would that be. Maybe leaving one place will tamper with the set course or maybe it will spark it.
And then comes the issue of loyalty. I'm naturally an extremely loyal person. I feel like I'm betraying a person or a place by even looking to change situations. There is always a huge problem when one is loyal and also non-confrontational. I don't want to leave my situation but I don't know how to change it. If I fix the problems than I might realize that the car is still a piece of crap. Or worse yet maybe it needs a whole new engine.
My confusion is only made arithmetically worse by my emphasis of my decision being the end all be all of my life. Why do I weight my decisions in the next few weeks to be earth shatteringly important when really every single decision we make alters our path in life. I'm a fool for thinking and a fool for not thinking enough. I see the road in front of me I'm just not sure what exit to take. I hope that if I take the wrong one than at least it will be easy off/ easy on.
posted by Whit at 2:48 PM
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