What the fuck!!!

I just went to the most pointless interview ever. I had originally gone to this open house at the company a few weeks ago, I didn't think anything would come of it since open cattle calls never yield anything. So, I was surprised when I got a voicemail from someone in the human resource department telling me that they wanted to invite me to another open house but this time for a specific position. When I heard what the position was I became very interested. So I arranged my lunch around the open house times. I went in and found a room full of girls exactly like me. I expected there to be people there, I even thought I would have to wait, but I didn't expect was for it to be the biggest waste of time ever.

First of all, I waited for an hour. Fine. Second, the lady was a total bitch. Disappointment. Third, she had no idea that I had already been to one of those. Ill prepared. Finally, she said the assistant are going to look over the resumes and call people in. What the fuck was the point of me coming in?

I hate interviewing. It is such a waste of time. I don't understand the point of a human resource department, they are just a time suck. I never even applied to the job, so why call me in if you don't think that I am qualified? Incompetent department that obviously doesn't communicate with each other. Now I am pissed off and hungry because I missed my lunch.

What's so funny?

I've noticed lately that everyone seems to always ask that question. It is understandable given that people search out any instant of happiness that the world has to offer. It's like a drug we will always opt to take no matter how laced down it is. No one ever asks: "What's so sad?" or "What were you saying about genocide?" Ok, maybe some people do but that is rare and usually because they have some profound theory or statement to add.

But any time laughter is utter everyone pesters you to find out what is so funny. In fact, if not immediately told people tend to act like a cokehead who hasn't had a hit in several days. The curiosity consumes them; they have to know what was so funny. But the thing most things that are funny only exist within the initial moment. Sure if it is a joke it can be retold. But most humor in life seems to come from our observations of it. Things that can never be recreated are what send tickles of laughter from our belly to our mouth.

We all want to be entertained. Never able to not be a part of the fun if it is right in front of our face. Jealousy grabs hold never yielding its grasp. Curiosity must be satiated. So maybe there is this primal need to be happy. To experience any and all pleasure the world has to offer still manages to not be enough. Laughter that fills the halls in which we are not apart of creates a hollowing and haunting feeling that some how life and happiness is within reach yet escaping us.

Or maybe it is merely the biggest fear of all that causes this instinctual question: we are afraid that people are laughing at us. Why did they stop laughing when I came in the room? Because humor is power, to be made fun of belittles thus paints people as weak. To laugh with and not be laughed at. So we're not in search of happiness but rather seek to avoid humiliation. Ah, humans we're all such traumatized children.

I realized the other day that everyone is funny to someone. We all merely have to find the right audience. In my case I find that I am my own best audience, which is why the funniest things I say are to the other voices in my head. Yes, I am one of those people who will be walking down the street and randomly burst out in laughter. And just like any other audience and comic relationship sometimes my jokes bomb and sometimes I kill; thus the burst of seemingly random laughter, it means that night I am having a great show.

Right now there is a rather comical play being performed right before me. Three young brokers enter from stage left, or sorry I mean they are trying to upstage my one-woman show. The scene starts with one broker trying to get another broker to hook him up with one of his clients. Nice. A slight chuckle comes from behind a large desk as the receptionist feverishly types while trying to hide her amusement. Hiding is not her strong suit. They catch on to the giggle but do they know that I'm laughing at them and not with them, or can the male ego not distinguish laughter in some kind of self-defense mechanism kind of way?

The process of a giggle through the male ego:

Giggle goes in one ear+ assumption that female thinks he is funny= every woman in the world wants me.

Poor fool, but I understand; everyone needs to protect themselves. What I don't understand is the need for it to be used as fuel to boost the ego. Who cares? Everyone is funny to someone. Sometimes we are the punch line and that is ok. What is so funny? You are but so are the voices in my head.

Never too old to act like a school girl

Wow, it definitely feels like a Friday before a holiday weekend, but only the feeling I got when I was in elementary school. I am giddy, antsy, and foolish. Only today I am not wearing my uniform. Although, that might be fun. I should dust the bad boy off and wear it to work just to see what kind of looks I would get.

Why do we act so stupid when you are in groups passing notes or in this case emails? Group mentality really equals the lowest common dominator. Like painting a house word problems it doesn't matter how smart the two people are individually, they will meet at the lowest IQ level using the equation a*b/a+b.

Wow, this broker and his wife just came into the office. She is tearing him a new one. His office is right next to the main reception so all the visitors can hear her screaming at him. Why would you come into the office to have a fight? Poor guy. She has him coward. Definitely wears the pants in the family. Why do some woman totally emasculate their husbands. It is so sad to see this man leave his work place thoroughly embarrassed.

Well, thankful for the weekend. I need a break. The longer the weekend the better. However, that means that next week is going to drag as all short weeks inevitably do. Time to get my relaxation on.

Throwing in the white towel.

Although I might need the towel to dry off from all this rain. I love the rain; it always makes me want to have a Tasters Choice moment. Remember that one time in Venice...

Rain seems so poetic, as if it is God's tears. And just like actual tears, the world seems so clear and refreshed once the tears end. Even God needs to let out a good cry every once in a while. Further proof that God is a woman: a maniac depressive woman, but a woman nonetheless.

The rain makes me resign to my reality. The emotional vent of Mother Nature allows me to come to my senses. Thoughts pour faster than each drop. The truth filtering in becomes impossible to stop. Trapped within yourself and your mind. Confined to voices in your head that become louder to compensate for the thunder and lightning outside. And like a bolt of lightning the truth of your circumstances hit you.

Life is what it is. I am where I am. Sometimes it is when you try to resist the quicksand that it pulls you under faster. Remain still and you might actually have a fighting chance. But can you remain still and also be fighting; contradictory terms find a loophole in the paradox. You don't fight a bear you just lay really still. Bull or bear, I can't fight this industry or this life.

If I find contentment within this situation maybe then I will be in a frame of mind to actually escape it. There is no moving on until you let go. Let go of: anger, resentment, and bitterness. Find: forgiveness, relaxation, and peace.

I will let the rain wash away all my sorrows. Drowned the sadness. And let the sunshine drip dry the malcontent. After all, the sun will come out tomorrow.

So, I realize you can't change overnight, change is linear and moves from point A to point B. Billions of stops along the way from the destination to the arrival, there are no non-stop flights but rather several layover. But it doesn't change to fact that you are moving away from point A no matter how long it might take to get to point B. Sometimes it is feat just getting of the runaway from the original location.

Ladies and Gentlemen, the captain has turned on the fasten seatbelt sign to prepare for departure. I will wait to recline my seat then proceed to shut my eyes for the remainder of this fight. Who know where I might land, but at least when I open my eyes it might be tomorrow. Tomorrow, tomorrow. I love yah. You're only a day away.

I can't pull something out of thin air

Why do people insist on blaming you for things that are out of your control? Everyone wants to be in control so maybe they can't take it when they have no control. Don't take it out on the low man on the totem pole. I can't file something that I never got. It's just not possible.

The problem with picking on those below you is that they won't always be that way. In fact, sometime in the future they might be above you. People remember everything from when they are at the lowest point. People hold grudges. Pick on someone your own size. I mostly feel sorry for people who yell at the lowest power level because it means they are too weak and pathetic to try and deal with an equal. I'm an easy target, you can't miss me since I'm the first thing you see when you come in.

I don't know what to tell you. What do you want from me? Don't answer a question before I even ask one. You don't know me. I don't care to know you. Why would I want to get to know someone like you? You are a small person with little joy in your life. Find something that makes you happy and stop taking your misery out on me. Because misery, I don't want your company.

Let it go. Don't take everything so seriously. If you have a problem than solve it, don't sit around complaining that you have one. So much energy is wasted. Why? Because you can't find some month old fax? Whatever. Find another way. When there is a will there is a way. When there is a hissy fit then there is unnecessary emotional garbage that everyone has to step over.

I don't even care enough to hear the sighs of frustration. Please vacate my space because you are polluting it with your negativity. Wow, you are even polluting my blog. Get out. Don't come here again. Take a vacation. Maybe climb Everest, then you can do your own magic tricks pulling whatever you want out of thin air. Might I suggest the stick from your...

Dreaming of a nap

What is going on? Everyone seems to be as tired as I am. It's an epidemic. A biological attack effecting sleepiness among all citizens. Is it the weather? Is it the late nights from the suckiness of the Grammy's to the suckiness that is Valentine's Day? Why do I always forget that the Grammy's suck. Every year I watch them and every year they are a waste of time. I have Grammy amnesia. I suffer from certain food amnesias as well. I hate when you forget you don't like something. Fool me once shame on you, fool me five thousand times and I should have my head examined.

Why do I need so much sleep? I never understand how people can function on so little sleep. I've never been able to do it, not even when I was "young and spry." I'm an eight hour kind of gal. I would prefer 9 to 10 but life gets in the way of that.

Sleep is good. No such thing as too much. Always in want and in need of some more. One of the only things in life I truly love. I'm such an escapist. It's an art. People should put me in a museum to see sleep. I would never know the difference because I am sound asleep faster than the speed of sound, even the atomic boom wouldn't wake me.

Is today over yet? Why am I still here? Am I still typing? Why is this blinking curse taunting me? Can you be hypnotized by a computer cursor? I'm getting verrry sleeeeeepy. When the computer counts back from ten I am going enter a deep state of relaxation. 10, 9, 8...

Saint Valium Time Day

Oh, the happiest day of the year. The wonder of being in love and forced to proclaim more than you actually feel. Coincidently the saddest day of the year is the dreaded day after. Now faced with the consequences of over statement or proclamation made the night before in order to secure the desired ending to the evening. Nothing like a little pressure to make it the ideal time to propose.

Expectations. Whether trying to live up to them or live them down, they are never met. Rarely are they exceeded. Disappointment.

Definitions are set for things that shouldn't necessarily be defined. A step forward when there should be a step back. Endings when there should be beginnings. A day of extremes never meeting in the middle.

People become so giddy. Like it is now ok to show how cheesy they really are. It's like Halloween for the sappy people. Finally, they can show the world who they are without fear of persecution.

But the day after. No one ever talks about the day after. The fall back to earth, most times ending in a thud. Regret. "What the hell did I get myself into?": the thought heard round the world.

People think this is a holiday that Hallmark invented in it's modern conception but really I think it is bitter single people who wanted to see the couples of the world squirm and self-destruct. Hand someone dynamite and a box of matches; they are libel to blow their hand off.

Enjoy today because tomorrow is going to be one hell of a romantic headache hangover. Or at least a sugar rush hangover from all the cookies that are being shoved down my throat.

I'm not really a fan of any holiday. I don't like when I'm told when to be happy. What happened to free will? I might not want to be happy on said declared days. Don't make me feel all guilty about it.

A coworker asks me if I was wearing red. I responded, "This not St. Patrick’s day." People get way into this holiday. Enough already. I mean based on the principle of Valentine’s Day shouldn't everyday be Valentine's Day?

If you get over everything that encompasses happiness on Valentine's Day long enough to actually witness it you'll find that it is really funny. I haven't stopped laughing all day. I will enjoy tomorrow's fallout even more because that is the kind of masochist I am. Tomorrow everyone will be singing to Cupid:

Shot through the heart
And you're to blame
Darling you give love
a bad name.

A race against time and traffic to get to the DMV

Today I take on the biggest opponents I have ever faced: Friday LA traffic and the hours of the DMV. I must try to make it across town to get to the Hollywood DMV from Beverly Hills. This is actually not a far distance, no more than a couple of miles, but it will still take me 45minutes to an hour to get there. If only I didn't have to work all day tomorrow I could find a DMV that is open on Saturday. If only I didn't have to go today because my speeding ticket is due on Tuesday. What can I say, I'm a procrastinator.

I think I enjoy the rush of running across town with the possibility of failing. I think I like to see how far I can push it until I end up failing. How long can you wait to write that term paper and still have it done on time? How long can you go without clean laundry? How long can I delay paying my speeding ticket before they put out a warrant for my arrest?

The thrill of defeat. The rush to stop the downfall. That we feel more success the closer we get to failure, like being able to pull the nose diving plane back up just before it hits the ground. I think I like the feeling of "Oh my god, I could've just died!" So is procrastination just another attempt of ours to see if we can cheat death? Why do I feel so satisfied if I finish a paper at 8am that is due at 9am? It's like I feel the grade was more well earned than the person that spent weeks toiling and tweaking their paper. Why?

The irony of procrastination is that you take your time to be in a hurry. I could have gone to the DMV any time in the last month and a half, but I wait until today. The last day I can before there is no time left. Am I just lazy, only wanting to do things when I have to do them. This would clarify so many things in my life.

In the end maybe I procrastinate living because I see it as prolonging death. But nothing says that you have to live before you die, it's only required to be born to die the part in between is up to me. And like they say: the only things certain in life are death, taxes, [and a line at the DMV].

Will you please be my big brother?

I've been confused. I thought I liked someone when all along I merely liked them. I think sometimes I think that any interest in a person that it equates me being interested in the person. This is completely true in terms of any guys that I meet that I actually like. In LA it is hard to meet guys that you even want to be friends with so of course any and all gentlemen that you meet you instantly try to talk yourself into liking.

So, this is how my formerly dubbed "imaginary boyfriend" has now become my "imaginary brother." I know how difficult quality men are to come by so I talk myself into believing that I have feelings for them. But finally I realized that I'm not really attracted to him. I suppose that is important, even in merely an imaginary boyfriend.

Don't get me wrong. I adore this particular person, but today it hit me that I wish he was my brother. I should have seen the signs when I was in no way shape or form jealous of his fiancé. This says numerous amounts about things since I am a Scorpio and there is no way I wouldn't want to claw her eyes out if I actually was interested in him.

So what is wrong with me that I can't even tell if I really like someone? Boredom? Could be. Denial? Most definitely. Scared shitless of commitment? Absolutely.

Liking a guy > dating a guy > marrying a guy > death!

Well, maybe not that dramatic, but close. I suppose some would say that is because I haven't met the right guy. But I don't know, there seems to be a lot of people who think they have met the right person and yet they are still heading to divorce. I guess I am better of thinking I like a guy that I don't than to think I love a guy and I don't only to find this out two years after the wedding.

Some how the notion of having this guy be my brother seems more appealing then having some random guy be my boyfriend. In truth, I totally adore said person and think he is so cool, exactly what a girl would want in a brother. Plus, maybe he has some cute friends; I just hope he doesn't get overprotective of me as an older brother might be.

Why you got to be taking my money?

My company won't give me back my money. Every month I allot them to take away $135 of my hard earned money so I can pay for my parking pretaxes. It sounds nice of them to let me pay for my parking pre-taxes but here is the catch: they take out the money first, then you pay the parking garage for the parking, then they give you back the money they took out of your check. So, in other words, until they give me back my money I've essentially shelled out double for my parking. When you live paycheck to paycheck this will kill you.

For some reason the last two months they have only given me back half of my money. I called today to say, "bitch, where is my money?" And they are like they didn't carry over your December 2004 money, oops. Oops my ass, those stealers. I was so pissed. And now I have to wait 10 days to get my money back. But I paid for this months parking last Friday. Now this stupid error on their part is going to cost me, they should wire the money to me immediately since it was their mistake. Stupid bureaucracy.

To top it off, right after I got of the phone with parking people, I went to get myself a nice refreshing soda; desperately trying to take the edge off. The stupid machine ate my money. What is up? Is this national steal-from-me day. It's the anti-Robinhood day, taking from the poor to give to the rich.

Damn I not made of money, I just work for a company that is; no literally, it's made of money. I shouldn't have to pay for my parking in the first place, let alone have them not give me my money back. Give me back my money. I guess I will have to go buy a 10 days supply of Raman. No really, I have $2.30 cents, I hope that's enough.

Nobody calls me chicken.

McFly, your shoes untied. I've recently come to the conclusion that I am the anti-McFly. My whole life I've been the biggest chicken and I never even knew it until now. This last week it hit me how I have no cajones. How could I have gone through my whole life without realizing that I have no guts? I am freaked out of everything.

Anyone could call me chicken and I wouldn't be offended. It's the truth. But at the same time I don't know if I care to rectify the situation. I am perfectly content with being chicken so much so that up until last week I didn't even acknowledge that I was one. All this time I just considered myself to be living by what is socially acceptable.

Maybe having manners and always trying to act in an appropriate way is merely a means of being a coward. Society conditions us to be chicken. We are taught from an early age to be guarded because rejection is a horrible thing. Why is rejection so bad? If we just accepted the fact that not everything and everyone has to love us then maybe we would take more chances.

But great rewards can only be sought or achieved through greater risk. But to fail is to look foolish. With all the good plastic surgeons these days why are we all still scared we might fall on our faces. I never like my face to begin with so what is the big deal if I get a few scratches?

Now that I know I am a complete and utter chicken, I might try to remedy it. But the gut still holds me back. The power of a nervous stomach has the ultimate control over ones actions. The butterflies incapacitate all reason. But how does a turtle come out of his shell? He just does it. That is how I overcome being chicken. I just overcome it. Use the lack of logic to my advantage. Don't over think things.

Thinking is what gets us in trouble in the first place. Great Scots that's the answer. If you don't want to be chicken then don't be chicken. I think it's time to switch to the other white meat. Sometimes you have to go above 88mph in order to see what's on the other side of the space-time continuum. So you can call me chicken just don't put Baby in the corner.

When a bobby pin is the only thing standing between you and insanity

My hair keeps driving me crazy today. I got so fed up that I threw all of it back. My hair into a ponytail and my bangs swept to the side secured by a bobby pin. Suddenly while standing in the bathroom gazing into the mirror I had this flash of fear that I might somehow lose my bobby pin. Panic, sheer terror paralyzed me. If I lose the clip then nothing will keep my long ass bangs from attacking my face. That would be incapacitated me. Sometimes it is the small things that drive you to the brink of thinking that your mind might literally snap if forced to confront them.

So many things in life drive me crazy but it is never the same thing and always random. For instance most days I am fine with talking to people on the phone but then other days, for no apparent reason, I feel like I'm going to scream if I have to hear the same voices I hear everyday always asking for the same people in the exact same way. I don't know why the mind does this. Why does this happen?

I think I am going through the 12-step program involuntarily. I feel that I have been going through phases. Looking back I believe I might be naturally working through all twelve of them. I admit that the current stage is: anger. I am just so pissed at everything. People drive me crazy. I miss the old days when I was in the denial stage. Oh, that was a great stage, it's called adolescents. But now: "I'm mad as hell, and I'm not going to take it anymore!"

People suck. This is merely the truth, not a judgment. I hate when things are shady. Get it together already. I'm not going to wait here forever, at least not patiently. Shadiness is never appealing or attractive no matter how many times Eminem gets laid. You shouldn't tell people to sit down to dinner if you haven't even begun cooking. I didn't realize it was the neighbor's food I smelled, longing to feast upon.

Here is some food for thought: why should I wait for you if I don't know if you are worth waiting for? Get off your high horse before you get thrown from it. I know that I should never go to the running of the bulls because I can't even keep up with all your bull. But, "Ole", nonetheless, my petty friend.

Anger feels good. Letting it all out feels great. I might be a chicken but I can yell on my blog all day. Typing really hard is cathartic. I can't punch you in the face but I can punch the keys envisioning your face. I'm not really this hostel. I usually keep all of my frustration on the inside; I find it keeps me warm at night.

Releasing all bubbling emotion really allows me to sleep better at night. I even think it is making my complexion glow. Who need glycolic acid when you have raw emotions that you can vent. I feel so renewed. Why does releasing all the anger cause such state of bliss and relaxation? The best day spa in the world would consist solely of soundproof rooms and a plastic bat to hit things with.

The best part of a good vent is that it allows you to move on, to let go. So, go, be gone with you. I don't care what you do or who you hire. You release you from you obligation and myself from mine. Be what as it may. It doesn't matter if you were wrong, or acted inappropriately. I forgive you. But mostly, I don't need you nor do I care to need you. What might have been, who knows? Maybe it will better for everyone this way. The sad part of the whole situation is that you will learn nothing, but I've learned my lesson so I guess that will have to be enough.

Enough already. I was a fun week of dreaming. But now I'm back to reality. And for the first time and a long time, reality isn't as horrid as I thought it was. In fact, reality ain't half-bad. For once it is the dreams that torture and the reality that seems to have been proven a dream.

Sometimes when the bobby pin comes loose you find another means to secure them. Because when something is missing in life we always find a way to make do. It's amazing how multi-purposed a paperclip can be.

The long kiss goodnight

Waiting is torture. Not knowing the answer to the lingering question becomes pure undeniable horror. I just might puke. Right here on the keyboard. Yak it all up. Knots twisting inside while the nervousness won't subside. Why won't you let me know already? What is up with this Yo-yo shit, that just makes me less interested.

What is up with pulling this Khruschev second letter crap. Don't pretend you didn't get it. You read it. Why deny it? Stop back peddling I can't keep up with you since I am moving forward. At this point any answer/resolution is better than being in limbo. What do you want from me? Captain, I going as fast as I can.

I'm done with all this torment. Last year is no more. I can't be sad about it. I just want it done. I'm scared, but in a good way. Change has begun, but not soon enough. Spring comes early this year regardless of what any groundhog says. The turning of a new leaf despite whether or not there is actually physical change. I am a new woman. No longer will to put up with any crap the life wants to toss my way. I don't give a damn. Throw at me what you want just don't expect me to take it all anymore.

So take that and smoke it. You hear that universe, you can suck on it. I don't care what your beef is with me. Get over it. I have. So kiss my ass you punkass bitch. Why you got to hold a grudge any how? Damn. I thought you were more mature than that seeing as you are older and supposedly much wiser. The universe knows shit that is why it likes to shit on everyone else. Don't take it out on everyone else just because you are a disappointment to your parents. We are all God's children. So stop being a big cry baby. And by big I mean freakin huge.

I've said my peace. I want to find some kind of middle ground. I think we need to put this beef behind us. I am man enough if you are. What have we been fighting over anyways? Did I wrong you in a past life? Have I thrown too many cans in the trash instead of recycling them? Whatever I did, please forgive me. Forgive me for what I do not know that I've done. I will try not to do it again however hard that might be given that I don't know what the inciting incident was to begin with but nonetheless I will try. Does this make you happy?

Today, we move forward to forge a new path in our relationship. Universe, I think this the beginning of a beautiful friendship. And if not, if you keep kicking my ass then you better believe that I'm going to start throwing every can away and leaving the fridge door ajar.